Why I Stayed Awake For Almost 36 Hours Straight

I drove home from work early Thursday morning with full intentions of getting lots of good sleep so I could enjoy the rest of my time off before having to be back at work Friday evenings. I'm not sure if I explained that I work nights. 7pm to 7am.

While on the way home, I spoke with Easy about my concerns over informing exes about our engagement. The reason I love him so much is that I can talk to him about anything. With only a very few exceptions, he and I don't seem to possess the insecurity or jealousy genes.

He had already informed most of his exes that he was going to propose. That's right, he told them before he even did it. But his way of telling them seemed very successful, so I made plans to call up my people and let them know that very day.

I got home around 9 am with plans to make a quick few phone calls and then get some sleep. But then no one answered. And then I remembered I still hadn't spoken to my godmother or my pastor. And then I remembered I wanted to call some family members of one of my exes to tell them since we are still very friendly.

Long story short, I didn't get off the phone until 12:30 pm. At which point, I had to leave the house to go pickup one of my bridesmaids to take her to the doctor (car trouble). Then I realized I still haven't officially told the rest of my bridesmaids I was engaged.

I intended to tell them when I saw them. Once that plan was in place, I suddenly didn't see them for four days. Go figure. So I made plans to hang out with two of them and go to the movies with two more that night. I called the ones who were going to the movies and told them over the phone since the movies weren't til later. I finally informed them all, just in time to go to have coffee with PT.

He wanted to catch up and we did. I told him about the new job and about being engaged. I was so worried about the conversation and how it would go, but he didn't ask about timelines, so I didn't have to tell him he and Easy overlapped. But then PT began giving me how-to-avoid-getting-divorced advice, which I will be taking with a grain of salt seeing as how he is divorced.

I finally went to see Hangover 2 that night. And I was deliriously sleepy. I never fall asleep on movies, but I missed a whole 4 minutes of that movie. I finally crawled into bed and chatted with Easy until I fell asleep.

I was glad to get certain notifications out to the people. Since I'm not on Facebook, there was no other way for my exes to find out and I really am glad they heard from me early on. It's not like they're harboring torches for me, but it's just the principle. Plus, after what happened to my girl Michelle (another bridesmaid!) Friday night, I feel even more strongly that calling them was a good idea.

Speaking of notifications, I have to work on finding formal invitations to the wedding party to ask them to be a part. I have to have 24. Easy and I will both have a best man and maid of honor, we have two flower girls, two ring bearers, and he has 8 groomsmen, and I have 2 bridal attendant (males) and 6 bridesmaids. Crazy, right? Well, we do what we want cause we're rebels.

I have decided that I will still apply to be a Bee, but in the meantime, you all will have to listen to me yakkety yak yak about wedding stuff and I will also set up a classic wedding website. The classic site is for guests to go to to get info about the wedding, it won't be blogging. I may change my mind because I do that a lot. But thanks for the congratulations and please bear with me as I manage to put together a wedding in less than 9 months!

A Long Weekend, But A Great Weekend

I've been moving and shaking all weekend long. I wasn't even home long enough to sit down and put together a blog. I know my next couple of weekends will be busy as well, so perhaps I'll write blog posts ahead of time so I'm not going days without posting. Here are the highlights from my weekend:


Friday:

• I went over to my grandmother's house to do her hair. She needed a touch up to her relaxer. Hilarity ensued. She also asked a million questions about Easy, but I think she ended with a positive opinion of him.
• Friday afternoon I caught up on missed episodes of TV, specifically Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. Those episodes were really something. I was so sad Addison wasn't pregnant, you know?
• Friday night, I went bowling for league night. I bowled my Dad's team and they almost beat us. But I managed to pull out an amazing last three frames; and I bowled my first Turkey!! That's three strikes in row. My team ended up getting more points than his, yay!

Saturday:

• First thing in the morning, my Dad and I got up and headed to Aurora, IL for his very first bowling tournament. He did very well and I'm super proud of him.
• We went to lunch with his bowling team and those people were funny. One drunk woman, a joke so funny it made a grown man cry, my Dad booby-trapping the ketchup and squirting our waitress, and a whole bunch of bacon. Who wouldn't want that?
• Saturday afternoon we headed to our church district's mission festival. Soo much blue, and fancy church hats, that's about it.
• Saturday evening I went out with some friends from church and the bowling league. It was one guy's birthday. I had fun, but having given up alcohol for Lent, it was less fun that it could have been. I felt also kind of old. I'm only 26, but apparently the height of my club days are behind me. I just missed clubbing in college and how much fun I always had with my friends. I'm hoping I can capture some of that when I go visit Florida next month.

Sunday:

• I got home super late (like 4 am), so I was very sleepy. I didn't wake up to go with my Dad for the second day of the bowling tournament. But I maintain he didn't try hard enough to wake me.
• I also missed church. It's happened before and it will happen again. It's hard to get up without help sometimes. I'm just not a morning person.
• My grandmother's 70th birthday was today. All her children and grandchildren and great-grandchild(except two) were there. We brought dinner and cake and hung out with her all day. We laughed and talked and played with the baby and had some great family time. I really love my mom's side of the family and it had been so long since we all hung out.

Anything exciting or interesting happen in anyone else's weekend?

Today Is A Day To Accomplish A Lot

This morning, I woke up pretty early for me. It was in the 6 o'clock hour. If only I could go to bed at a reasonable hour every night, like last night, I could wake up early without an alarm clock. I didn't actually go running this morning, but it wasn't my fault. But there will be running tomorrow morning. I guess it's not the end of the world to run every other day when it's just starting to become a part of the routine.


This morning I was doing lots of activities though, so I stayed up instead of falling back asleep, which is prolly what would happen were I in Chicago. This afternoon, I get to bake lots and lots o' cookies. I really liked the recipe I made last time, so I'll be making chocolate and peanut butter chip cookies. Homemade cookies are always the best don't you think?


It is Lent season and I have decided to give up alcohol. Not just wine, not just vodka and tequila, but all of it. I won't even use it for cooking purposes. I don't drink that much. I don't really do anything except in moderation, but I had to pick something, and so alcohol got chosen. But I'm glad to be observing Lent this year. It makes sense to me. I celebrated Mardi Gras, my church observes it, and I should be a part of it too.


I'm off now to do more research for the series of posts I'm doing on my rant-y blog. The protests in the Middle East and Africa are of serious interest to me right now, so it's worth the time spent to look up all the info. And I should have just enough time between that research and baking cookies time to apply for some jobs. I love days where I feel productive (even though I didn't go running).

Since I'm On This Path Of Reconsideration

All of this self-reflection in recent posts has me going over all the things about myself I know to be true. It seems that who I am as a person and how I view the world is evolving at a rather high rate right now. On this journey of self-discovery, it occurred to me that I hadn't revisited my views on religion and church recently. Part of of that is lack of exposure.


Tomorrow is the first day I'll be going to church in a long time. This, of course, doesn't include when I went with Easy to his church last week. I'm just thinking of all the time I've spent with Easy where we don't go to church. I've never been to church with him in St. Louis. When he's in town here, I end up somehow not at church.


That's definitely not his fault, it is just making me think. I always just figured church was really important to me. I know going to church was more important to me than the specific tenets of my religion. After all, there was so much important work to be done, specifically outreach to the youth.


But those priorities have shifted. I have to admit that to myself in order to make an accurate assessment of the situation and a plan for the future. Here's what I always thought about myself and church: it was important to me, it was terrible if I even missed one Sunday, doing God's work was part of my life plan, anyone I could consider getting serious with had to agree with those first three things.


I don't think any of that has changed on a major level. But I have to be honest with myself. Church is important to me, but no longer important enough to take priority over the other things that matter in my life. It is not terrible if I miss one Sunday. Even if I miss because I'm sleeping late because I was out (or in) all night doing non-churchy things. Doing God's work is part of my life plan, but likely not the biggest part. And I'm not freaking out that Easy isn't dragging my ass to church every Sunday.


The thing is, I read my Bible more and pray more now that I'm not spending multiple days each week in the church house. I never considered that I was using my church time to get my spirituality on. I took the prayers said by others during service to count as my prayers. I took the scriptures referenced during service to count as my Bible study for the week. It's good to have that fellowship, but it shouldn't replace my personal path.


I'm still mulling this over in my head, but I've definitely got to come up with a new paradigm for how I view church. Here are the things I know to be still definitely true: I want to have my family be active church members (whenever I do have a family), I will be involved in helping the youth of my church on their spiritual paths, and I want to have a private and public spiritual life, not just one or the other.


I'm looking forward to seeing how this all plays out in my mind. I will be thinking on this for a while, excited to see what conclusion I come to. I'm especially hoping I don't land too far from where I started. No need to rock the boat on what those around me consider to be my views on church. Not unless it's really necessary to who I am as a person.

Applying For Jobs Is Suddenly A Dizzying Matter

So, I spend hours of many of my days applying for jobs. I try not to talk about it too much because the shit is depressing. It's been almost a year, and still nothing. But I keep persevering because I can't live off my parents forever. My old ass needs a source of income.

But things have changed now. I'm not just applying for jobs in Chicago with dreams of moving to Hyde Park or Lincoln Park or Wicker Park. I'm applying for jobs in St. Louis with dreams of moving to downtown St. Louis, or U-City or Clayton.

So now the question is, which dream do I follow more carefully? How do I split up my time applying for jobs? If St. Louis is really the tentative plan, why am I still applying for jobs in Chicago?

These are questions that racked my brain earlier today as I was pulling up links to websites for jobs in both Chicago and St. Louis. I started thinking about the possibilities of job interviews for really great jobs that sounded like exactly what I would want to spend my time doing.


But it's different now. With the tentative plan of moving to St. Louis, imagining interviewing for jobs in Chicago only seems like I'm postponing my plans with Easy. I know if I got a job here and lived here until next year when it was time to plan for grad school, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Easy and I would be okay, the long distance wouldn't kill us.


But then I think of how much I would love to find a great job and a great apartment in Clayton. Clayton really is the top of my list for areas I'd like to live in now. Even if Easy and I don't live together in St. Louis, and I have a job there, Clayton is the area I'd pick.


But then I think of all the time I spend with my family here. The life I've built for myself here in Chicago since coming back from med school is nice. I spend so much time working with the kids and teenagers of my church. It's not like they can't survive without me, but I had plans. My pastor and I were going to work together on putting together a medical clinic that serves my community. That dream is either going to have to wait or move to a different person.


There's just so much to think about. And there is a part of me that doesn't want to have to choose. So I guess I'm just not going to choose. I'm going to let the employers decide. Today, I applied for a slightly higher number of St. Louis jobs than Chicago jobs. Because right now, I'd rather be headed there than stuck here.


With the exception of a few people who have found career success (or something like it), most people I know in my age range start to feel like Chicago isn't really the land of opportunity. They feel stifled here like they can't really spread their wings. That feeling has been growing inside me for a while. I'm sure it wouldn't feel so bad if I wasn't living with my parents though. But now I truly understand why so many people want to fly the coop and try their luck elsewhere.


But I'm still applying for jobs in Chicago, especially since my going to St. Louis (something I said I'd never do by the way) isn't set in stone yet. I'm just applying for more jobs in St. Louis. I will go where the work is. If someone chooses to interview me, that's where I'll be. I can't wait to unload my storage unit. And I don't care if I'm taking my stuff across state lines. I just want to be employed.

Creating Things Day Ten - Belt Loops For A Uniform

I am an usher at my church. Google it if you don't know what that means.

We have to wear uniforms, hideous, hardly-ever-flattering uniforms.

I've already done some alterations.

I've shortened the length of the skirt, shortened the sleeves, and moved one of the buttons.

But I wanted to add belt loops because the belt won't always stay in place.

And the belt is crucial for holding the waist of the dress at my natural waist. Otherwise the dress pulls on my hips.

Here is the dress. It's really pretty awful, so I didn't take a full view shot.

I needed some fabric to make the belt loops.

I had a lot left over that I just happened to hold onto when I altered the dress before.

Once I cut it down to size, I headed to the ancient sewing machine to stitch up the fabric.

May I add in here that I was playing this whole thing by ear? I wasn't sure what to do, but I kept moving forward.

Once I had the fabric stitched, I cut off the excess. Next, I had to turn it inside out.

It was too tiny to use the skewer. Plus, I wasn't actually stringing anything.

So I grabbed a safety pin. I pinned one side and pushed it through to the other side.

Once it was turned right side out, I cut the fabric in half and voila, two belt loops.

Then I laid them against the belt to make sure they were the right size.

Luckily they were the right size since I hadn't been doing any measuring.

I pinned the belt loops to the area I wanted them in and tried to figure out exactly how I would stitch them down.

I got the first one stitched down. I did this by hand of course. I didn't want to fight with the sewing machine on such small stitches.

It looked okay, but it gave me a great idea for how I was going to do the other side.

I stitched the other side by tucking the ends under so it looked more like a real belt loop.

I much prefer the other side, but it looks pretty good all around.

I looped the belt through to make sure it was even and looked the way I wanted it to look.

I'm pretty pleased with the results. I took this last picture without the flash so you could actually see the belt loops.

You may notice they look a bit different from one side to the other. I may re-do the first side one of these days.

Back To Life's Activities

Ever since I got sick after Christmas, I've been kind of MIA at church.

I just really didn't feel well and didn't feel like doing much of anything.

The only thing I got accomplished besides actually going out for New Year's Eve is still applying for jobs.

That doesn't take any energy and I can do that just lying in bed.

But now I finally feel like doing stuff again.

So today I took my car to the Honda dealership so it could get it's 100,000+ miles fix-up.

Yes, you read that right. My car has over one hundred thousand miles on it.

And then I headed over to my church because our church organization that several churches belong to was having it's quarterly business meeting.

My church hosted the meeting, so they needed members on hand to help out.

Even though I originally had no intention of helping, I felt like I should.

I've missed the last couple of Sundays, and there haven't been many meetings because of the holiday season.

I'll start back with yoga tomorrow. Even though I won't be going again anytime after that (I'll be in St. Louis), at least I will have kept myself from falling completely off the wagon.

I'm just glad I didn't gain any weight this holiday season. I did a pretty good job of not over-eating.

And tomorrow, the bowling league break will be done. I hope I haven't completely fallen apart in my bowling skills.

I've only been out practice bowling with my dad once. That was when I ran into an old flame.

It'll be nice to actually do stuff again. I just hope it doesn't interfere with my ability to take time to make something everyday.

Speaking of that, I guess I should get to it for today.

A Change of Plans For The Weekend

My idea of how last night and today was supposed to go didn't pan out.

At bowling last night, the team we were supposed to bowl wasn't there. They are post-bowling.

So my team came up with a strategy. We had an intra-team competition.

We bet that the best bowler on our team couldn't beat the scores of me and our other female bowler combined.

It made it fun. It was like a nice leisurely bowling game instead of a game competition.

But because of our team competition, I think we did well enough to make it difficult for the other team to beat us.

And this morning, my mom and I were up at 7 am. We weren't headed to the church for Winter Wonderland though.

We went to run errands. Sam's Club, Walgreens, the grocery store, my grandmother's house, the bank, and the post office.

We missed the Winter Wonderland. But Camille and Michelle told me it went well.

Then the two of them came over here and we made food for my church's Care & Share, where we feed the homeless.

I feel like it should be 6 pm, but it's not even 2 pm yet. Getting up so early throws off my whole day clock.

The only thing that sucks about the day so far is that I missed a phone call from Easy. He called while we were in the grocery store.

He left me a voicemail. I haven't listened to it yet cause I've been so busy, but I'll listen to it the next time I leave the house.

I was worried about not hearing from him. I figured he'd been super busy. Or didn't have access to the internet. Or maybe his plane had fallen out of the sky.

I have travel issues, but I was trying not to worry too much. I was still a good 12 hours from calling his parents' house to see if they had heard from him.

But even though I missed his call, I still have a couple of e-mails from him that I need to respond to.

He appreciated me sending him the NBA scores and other info from nba.com. That made me very happy.

He hadn't had any available time and internet at the same time, and he was seriously missing his NBA news.

But now I have to keep it up. That means three more weeks of checking all the basketball info and putting it into an e-mail.

But I'm happy to do it for Easy.

I'm just trying to pass time now until we head to the mall to get some shopping done.

Two of the teenage boys from church have borrowed Camille's car to go get haircuts. And so we're waiting til they bring the car back.

But wish me luck that I find the perfect dress at Limited.

I'm hoping something black and knee-length from the Limited will do the trick.

And I also hope I have time for a nap because tomorrow is also going to be a long day.

We are going to the early morning service at church so my mother and I can make our 2 pm flight to DC.

Hopefully the stores there close late for Christmas shopping. Apparently, the best Filene's Basement in the country is in DC.

I should be able to sleep on the plane at least. As tired as I may be, I'm still happy to have to much to do.

My 200th Post!

I'm very excited to have reached this mini milestone. I was excited about post #100.

I wonder if I'll be as excited about post #300...

So, what to talk about? I'm going to discuss my upcoming travel plans.

They come just in time to help me fulfill my goal of leaving the Midwest once a season. I didn't think it was going to happen.

But thanks to my pastor, it will! He got my mother and I an invitation to visit the White House. We're literally going on the 20th. I'm just making my goal!

I've never been before even though I've been to D.C. a number of times.

All I can think of is two things.

When Beavis and Butthead visited and were talking about TP for their bungholes. I know, how twisted of me.

And also, what should I wear??

Nothing in my closet will do of course.

I didn't decide this, my mother did.

She's right though because since I've been doing the healthy eating yoga thing, my body has changed. The way clothes fit me has changed.

Express Jeans no longer make my ass look fabulous. It's all about Levi's now.

And as far as dresses, it seems as if the Limited took my measurements when they stitched up their size 2 dresses.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be going shopping with my mom. She has to purchase a gift that is going to my church's Winter Wonderland.

I am hoping to find the perfect black dress for Monday.

It's going to be a busy weekend. The Winter Wonderland is a holiday party my church has for families that cannot afford to have full blown Christmases. We give gifts etc for the children.

The Winter Wonderland is Saturday. Tomorrow I get to spend hours wrapping presents before I head off to my bowling league.

I really really hope I don't get a paper cut. That would suck.

Sunday is my church Christmas party. I was supposed to run the games and activities for the children like I did last year.

But the only flight my mother and I could get leaves before the party starts. But luckily, Camille is stepping in for me to take care of the kids.

I'm just excited about all the holiday themed activities I'm involved in this weekend.

Sappy Alert: It should take my mind off of missing Easy.

Seems Like My Weekends In Chicago Are Dedicated To Friends!

Well, at least my Saturdays are dedicated to friends!

Tonight will be a fun night for me. Anyone who reads my other blog will know tomorrow about part of my evening.

It's my friend Sonny's birthday. Well, it was yesterday. His get together at his house is tonight however.

And honestly, I feel a bit out out of place going there by myself because there always seems to be the overgrowth of couples. So I usually bring someone with me.

Last time I went, I brought Leo. Which was a fun night. I'm not being sarcastic.

This time I'm bringing Michelle. No need to turn Sonny's birthday thing into a date. Plus Easy is still in St. Louis until Tuesday.

Michelle has already met Sonny and Cher twice. Once when I moved from Rockford to Chicago and once during our birthday party last month.

I think that makes her a good person to bring to the party/get together. And after that, she and I are heading up north!

We are going to see this R&B group that a friend of hers is in. I love love love live music, so I'm excited to go hear his group play.

There's an interesting story about this guy. Another friend of ours from our teenage years at church is his ex. As far as I know, they haven't spoken much since she moved away, but they're still friends.

Michelle and this guy have become pretty close over the years. They're not dating, they're also just friends.

But let me put it this way. His dad constantly tells Michelle that he'd love her to be his future daughter-in-law.

And our friend who is his ex has just moved back to Chicago. And she doesn't know how close Michelle and this guy are. And she definitely doesn't know his dad is planning their wedding.

This chick is really easy going, so I don't expect this to lead to any major problems. But it will be very interesting if she ends up going out with us tonight.

So, for a number of reasons, I'm looking forward to tonight.

Being Busy Leads To Interesting Blog Posts

I do have interesting blog posts, but this may not be one of them.

This post is mostly to gloss over the time since I've last posted and suss out what needs its own post (that will truly be interesting).

I've been missing the last five days, which isn't unusual at all. People get busy stuff happens. But I have been having an interesting five days that I will now share.

I'll start with Saturday. Saturday was amazing! My mother, grandmother, and I had fun out at the movies. There were lots of inter-generational groups there seeing this movie. It looked like a scene from Madea's Family Reunion.

For Colored Girls was a movie I really enjoyed. I didn't know if I would, but I did. I'm glad I went to see it.

Dinner out with my friends was really nice. We all haven't spent an evening together in a long time. But I'll write more about that on Camille's, Gloria's, or Michelle's page on my other blog.

Easy's show went really well. It was a big deal because it was his quartet's first show. So I'm glad it went well. And if things stay like they are now, I'll definitely be at the next one.

Sunday was a good day, rather uneventful as far as things I usually blog about. I meant to put up a post about whether I got my goals for last week accomplished. But Sunday was busy with church stuff. So I'll put it up today or tomorrow.

Monday, I spent more time with my grandmother in the morning. Then I had yoga. Then I spent the evening with Leo. I'll tell that story in a later post as well. It's actually more than just Monday night. It's a story about both Monday and Tuesday nights. And Saturday. And Sunday. Kind of crazy.

I had a bit of a freak out Sunday night and almost cancelled my trip down to St. Louis to see Easy. I'll write a post about what happened with that, but I'm going to ruin the ending. I'm in St. Louis right now.

Even though my yoga studio is a national chain, they don't have yoga studios in St. Louis. Surprise surprise. So I've been doing yoga myself in the mornings when I wake up. I almost remember everything. So I'm keeping my workout plan going.

Easy and I have spent some time with Lion while down here. He's had some interesting developments in his love life. So I may need to figure out how to put him back in rotation in my other blog. At least for a couple of weeks.

And now I'm going to go catch up on my reading of all your wonderful blogs!

Good Lovin' Ain't Easy To Come By

Marvin Gaye and Tammie Terrell sing a song with that title. I feel like it's very appropriate for how I'm feeling right now, and not just about Easy. The song is about how what you want (namely love) does not come easily. You have to work for it, appreciate it when you find it, and do what you need to make sure it stays strong.

That does not describe Easy and me. Almost every day, I find myself feeling incredibly frustrated with him. What he offered last Sunday sounded amazing and it was something I was considering. Since that time, he has offered and rescinded a number of things. I could just kick him in the head!

I don't understand why it's so difficult for him to stay honest about what he wants. It's not that he's lying. It's that he's trying to give me what he thinks I want, no matter how many times I tell him I want him to just be honest about what he wants. He's even told me already pretty clearly what he wants for us.

When I told him that the way I'm feeling now, the fact that what he wants may not be good enough, he's been flip flopping on whether that little bit extra is something he can handle. I'm just about convinced that he can't handle it, so that makes me want to take a step back from him.

I'm done compromising. Just for now. It's not in my nature to not compromise. But when it comes to Easy, I just can't be that person. I don't have faith in him that things will turn out well. And I can't even consider letting my guard down.

I thought originally I was feeling that way because him coming back was all so new. But last night I realized it was because he's still not giving me the whole story yet. There's still something he's holding back or not sharing or whatever. Almost every time we speak, another piece of the puzzle comes to light. Until I feel like I have the whole puzzle, I won't even consider making any decisions about anything. That includes postponing the fabulous date he wants to take me on.

I know myself, and I'm not ready for him to be all romantic and wine-and-dine me. I will really have to kick him in the head if at the end of all that, he's still just him, standing there genuinely confused about the merits of dating only one person at a time.

But like I said, it's not just Easy. It's also my church. I've been talking about this Youth Department that's being set up as a way to get everyone on the same page for planning events for the youth of the church. We've already accomplished the task of getting people to stop scheduling conflicting meetings/practices. People are even working on planning events that include every child in the church, not just their own group.

So what's the next step in all this? Complete opposition from people who don't even work with the youth. It's the most nonsensical thing that people who never work with the youth can have such strong opinions about how things should be done.

It's frustrating because the very people raising the biggest fuss were not at the meeting. And there was a breakdown of communication between them and the people who were at the meeting. So now there will be clean-up, explanations, and apologies to try and get things back on track. We've done so much in such a little bit of time, and I'm not letting anyone stand in the way of that. They will not break apart something we're doing solely to make our church work better for the youth.

I Will Have A Social Life! I Will Have A Social Life!

So, I'm doing more than just saying it to myself over and over again. I'm doing something about it!

Today was a great day so far. The Fall Festival of Fun at the church was a pretty good success. We gave those kids so much candy! I feel sorry for those parents. If I had kids coming from that party, they would be required to jog around the block three times before coming in the house. I would need to speed along that sugar crash, ha ha.

And as a side success, everyone loved the pamphlet I put together with the information in it about all that my church has to offer children and teenagers. Individuals actually sought me out to tell me so. That makes me feel useful and appreciated.

But as far as a social life, it's been difficult to have one outside of dating. All my close guy friends have girlfriends they're super serious with. All my close girl friends live outside the city or have demanding kid/job/school. Once I get some of those things for myself, I'll be right along with them.

For now though, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with at the drop of the hat. I was starting to feel like maybe a thriving social life just wasn't going to happen. But then I realized I had to be more proactive. I try not to just let life happen to me.

How did I remedy this situation? I realized I missed Bad and I haven't hung out with him in forever. I haven't seen him since our birthday and that was at the beginning of the month. So I asked what he and Jordan were up to tonight.

And voila! We are going to a party at Shrine tonight. I figured I should put my costume to good use. It's not much of a costume. I still can't even be sure what it is. I've got a black velvet cape, a catsuit, a sequined silver belt, and black peep toe pumps. I'm like a rock star/diva/superhero/evil fill-in-the-blank hybrid.

But I will be hanging out with friends tonight and enjoying myself out on the town because I'm in my 20s damnit! I guess that's not a good reason because I don't intend on becoming a hermit the day I turn 30. But I'm heading to Bad's and Jordan's apartment now, so good night blogosphere.

Hobbies, Healthy Eating, And Helping Out

I like days like today because I get a variety of things accomplished.

There is the usual job applications that I try not to feel too pessimistic about before they're even submitted.

But I also took the time to take a relaxing bath. My parents' house could really use those Bath Crashers guys from DIY Network, but they do have a jacuzzi tub, so the bath was still very relaxing.

I also finished this pamphlet/handout thingee I was asked to make for my church's Halloween Autumn party tomorrow. And if I do say so myself, it looks fantastic. I'm just really glad to have been of use. All the work we've been doing to get all this information compiled ended up being needed sooner than expected. I'm so proud to be the person they sought to get this done. Every bit of usefulness I can feel I grab out for like it's keeping my head floating above water.

My parents and I are having a healthy-ish dinner tonight. We are getting carry-out from one of our favorite Italian restaurants in the city. I think they can manage to enjoy a great salad, pasta, and sides for less than a third of their Weight Watchers points. That's always good news because it means I'm eating really healthy food too. Keeping track of the changes I've made in my diet will on ensure that my yoga-toned body will stay intact.

And tonight we have league bowling. I think I've mentioned that my parents and I are in our church's bowling league. Well, I'm not naturally athletic, not even a little bit. I work my way up to being good at any sport I take on, but I never walk in the door doing well. Last week is the first week I did well. Like really well. And it wasn't luck, I was making an effort and yielding results. So I'm really excited for tonight to see if I continue to improve or at least stay as good as I was last week. Cross your fingers for me!

Why Am I Doing It? I Do It For The Kiddies

I don't know about the people who read this blog, but I for one am happy to take a break from talking about my tumultuous love life.

So what will I be talking about today? My kids. I know what you're thinking. Where the hell did CeCe get some kids from? I got them from church silly. They have them on sale there for $49.99 each. Okay, I get it. I'm only funny to myself. Moving on...

I work with multiple groups at my church that work with the children and teenagers. I work with the Mission Circle for the teenage girls. I work with the Jr./Youth/Young Adult Ushers. I work with the Mission's Mentor Program. And I volunteer with the Children's Church.

These kids show up at my house all hours of the day. I feed them, take them shopping, take them to the movies, give them advice, help with their homework, offer spiritual guidance, and fuss at them when they've messed up. They are my kids.

And this work I do with the church is a pretty big part of my life. I love working with the kids and trying my best to help guide them in the direction of ending up successful adults. I had such fun at the church as a child and teenager that I just want to help ensure other kids love it as much as I did.

Right now, all the groups that serve the children/teenagers are coming together under one umbrella to reach out to all the church's youth. It's a really exciting prospect because when people work together, the events get bigger, the more diverse needs get met, and conflicts are reduced.

For the next year, each one of the eight groups has agreed to take over a month and plan an even that reaches out to all the youth. We're taking them on field trips, community service opportunities, spiritual journey, etc. We have homework nights, game nights, lock-ins, etc. By working together, we'll be accomplishing more than the total of what each group could do by themselves. This is a big step to getting all the kids together. And unlike when I was coming up in the church, no one group is being left out in all the shuffle.

For the new year, we'll have t-shirts, a page on the church website, and calendar so the kids can keep track of events, and a full membership roll so we can keep track of the kids. People, all I'm saying is if you are looking for fulfilling outreach work, starting close to home (at your church) is the key!

And Then There Were Two

I was stressing out last night because I was contacted by Easy who was telling me everything I've ever wanted to hear from a man who is interested in me. But there is so much skepticism because of how horribly things ended between us.

So what could possibly make this worse? The guy who I haven't named reached out to me again today. The conclusion I had drawn that things were over between us because we really wanted different things was apparently not the conclusion he had drawn.

I spent a good portion of my day responding to text messages from both Easy and Leo. Yes, he finally gets a name, and it's going to be Leo. I was having my head spinning and feeling a number of feelings.

I thought things were over with Leo, which altered completely my reaction to Easy. And because I'm still off balance on my reaction to what Easy had to say, I basically had a non-reaction to Leo popping back up.

But this is what I know: I just had a conversation with two men in the last week about the possibilities of our future romantic possibilities. I cannot date two men at once. I would be furious with either of them if they were talking to someone else.

I feel like I should tell each guy about the other. But that doesn't seem like the best idea because I may decide I want nothing to do with Easy tomorrow and then telling Leo would be pointless. Or I could decide the same about Leo and then bringing him up to Easy would be pointless. I'm just so confused.

I want to be in a healthy and happy relationship. Having two men who could theoretically fill that want was not part of the deal. It's one thing to casually date more than one person. It's something entirely different to have emotional involvement with more than one man. I think I'll be able to figure out things more clearly once my head stops spinning. At least I hope.

One piece of good news is that I didn't have a cynical dream last night. I just dreamed about the work I'm doing at church. That work at the church is going really well. If I can ever stop tripping over these men, I can write about that because it is an important part of my life and the life I'm building for myself.

I do feel a bit closer to having the healthy happy relationship that I want. I guess part of me thinks I'll end up exploring the possibilities with one of these guys. Hell, I don't know.

Countdown to the life I want: 3 years, 11 months, 15 days.

A Tip For Black Men In The Public Eye, I'm Looking At You Jesse Jr. and Bishop Eddie Long

Stop doing bad stuff! I know that it's impossible to please everyone, but damn, you don't have to make it so easy for your enemies to drag you down into the mud. Growing up as a black person in this country, you are taught or learn or hear somewhere that it's hard being black. No need to pick up a violin to play along, I'm just saying.

What I know for sure is that Jesse Jackson, Jr. and Bishop Eddie Long both know this story. They live in Chicago and Atlanta, respectively. They are leaders in the black community. They are aware!

Now that that's settled, let me get back to the point at hand. I'll start with Jesse Jr. He sucks! He's such a hypocrite. When his father got into trouble for his taking part in the girlfriend/illegitimate child debacle back when I was younger, he got up on his high horse, and shouted to the far corners that his dad was crap and not a good example of what a strong black man should be.

And now, he's the one with the girlfriend. You know what I think? I think he was a fat ass before and no one was going to sleep with him. Add in a gastric bypass and some national known-ness, and suddenly you have to have a girlfriend. I've never been a fan of his wife, but damnit man! If you're unsatisfied with your life, why did you set up this life for you? I have odd views of cheating that I'll choose to keep to myself, but I am not okay with leading this secret private life that is going to come out and ruin your chances for things, such as, oh I don't know, running for mayor of Chicago! He's an hypocritical asshole, that's all I have to say.

Now Bishop Eddie Long, it's your turn. I pray that the stories about you having sex with these men who were members of your homophobic (in Atlanta no less) church. A blog I love to read entitled Angry Black Bitch had a great post about it. First a disclaimer: I've always disagreed with the public nature of his church. They are famous for their anti-gay stance. And they preach prosperity, which I abhor. I'm not going there, this is about current scandals.

Because he's a pillar of his community, I can't say enough how much I hope the stories aren't true. He's being sued for this, which is an odd avenue to get retribution for behavior. The story is that he game these men gifts for sex. If that's the case, they seem kind of greedy to sue for even more money. I can get how easy it is to become a victim to a figure of authority, but I'm just a bit skeptical of the story I'm hearing. That still doesn't change the fact that he's a target for this type of charge because he's so against gay people.

Based on what we've seen with all the sex scandals that come out, it's usually soooooo hypocritical! When will people learn! Jesse is angry with his dad and repeats the same behavior. Eddie is homophobic and now he's possibly a closeted gay person. This is not something unique to black people. Most American scandals period tend to be so hypocritical (especially when it involves a politician. I'm looking at you Ensign and Spitzer).

But damnit black men, you know if anyone is going to get caught, it's going to be you! The scandal will come out eventually but the punishment is so much worse for you and your people! And when you get scandalized and lose your pristine position as a leader of the black community, there isn't an easy replacement. We can't just move forward. Our faith gets shaken and the political world and media world don't just embrace the next black person standing there. That's not the way our community gets leaders. You're being selfish and mean by being so self-indulgent. You put yourself in the spotlight. You decided to paint this picture of yourself as almost-perfect. You are the one who are letting down your community. You are the one who's made it that much harder for the next black man to stand up and try and lead. Thanks asshole.

Lots of Things Are Making Me Happy Right Now

I'm going to attribute my current happiness to a number of things:

1. Yoga

It's still totally awesome! I'm very excited to be going again today. I am pleasantly surprised that my mom is down to still continue classes this week even though she didn't see all that psyched about it last week. Her and my dad are also joining weight watchers which makes me glad because I've become increasingly concerned about their health. They're getting up in age, and I told them, I was putting them in a home if they had serious health problems when they got old enough to need to be taken care off, particularly if those health problems were self-induced because of bad habits in their younger years. But hopefully that won't matter anymore because every one's exercising and putting more thought into how they feed themselves. Happy day!

2. Jane Austen
I'm more than halfway through her published books I've downloaded to my beloved Kindle. I'm on Northanger Abbey right now. This one appears more commentary than anything else, but it is still quite enjoyable if I skip the passages that describe novels of that era. I've been enjoying all her books and I'm just happy I've found a number of books by a single author that I can't put down. It's been a while since that happened. I feel like it's the official cutoff of my embracing a love of reading again.

3. Church
All the activities I'm doing in church seem to be netting some real results. I don't talk about it in detail a lot on this blog, so I won't go into all of it now. But just know that I am getting a huge sense of accomplishment in this area and that's making me happy.

4. Men
I am experiencing far less man drama than I'd ever thought possible without buying eight cats and giving up. Just as I could expect from myself, I am over my desire to stay in contact with Easy. Well, not exactly. But I'm over it enough to stick with that plan. He contacted me over the weekend (probably because he was in town), and I didn't respond. I've been coming up with every reason in the book for it and I'll continue to do that because I'm over guys who just aren't that into me.

5. Corrected Perceptions
I recently wrote that someone told me I was not who I seemed. Turns out, this person was drawing extra conclusions from the things I said about me etc. So after a discussion about assumptions and a clarification of a few things, including I only say what I mean, nothing less and nothing more, it was cleared up. I believe there is no longer that thought that I'm not who I say I am, there is just a shock that I'm not who this person thought I was. And I"m okay with that. It happens.

So, for today, I'm just going to continue applying for jobs I hope to get, look forward to my endorphin rush, and check out the weight watchers website to see what my parents are up to.

A Very Relaxing Day

I went back to yoga today. I felt so good about working out two days in a row. It's been a very long time since I've done that. I'm hoping to go again tomorrow. And my mother may actually join me, so that should make an interesting story.

Today, I was sitting in the yoga studio, feeling slightly less adequate than I did yesterday. I don't feel even a bit sore, but apparently my muscles weren't in tip top shape. I was trying to not judge myself for losing my balance in a couple of the poses. So I instead focused on breathing and not looking at the woman to my left who really wasn't getting any of the poses right. "Don't judge her," I said to myself, to no avail.

I think it was my natural tendency to judge people who aren't visually appealing to me. I wasn't a fan of her hair. It was icky. I'm gonna find a pic on the Internet that's similar to how it was.
She was going for this:

It looked more like this:

I can't help it, I'm not a fan of people who come out in the street looking horribly. But I managed to ignore the lazy inflexible woman with the horrible hair and focus on my on yoga purpose.

I left the studio feeling wonderfully relaxed and headed home. I made my parents (and myself) dinner and did some work on an upcoming project I have for the Youth Department at church. All in all a very productive day. I will definitely keep doing this yoga thing if it manages to make me more tolerable of things like having to cook in my parents' kitchen (which I hate a little bit) and being forced to be around people who don't take care of themselves (which I hate a lot).

Taking A Trip To St. Louis This Week

I've mentioned this man, Easy, in recent blog posts. I think I may have mentioned the basics, but in case, here they are again. I met him at a wedding for this girl I grew up with at church. We hit it off at the reception and started hanging out a lot. He seemed like a fun guy, and we always had so much fun together. Somewhere along the line it hits me that I'm really kind of into him. Into him enough where I don't want anyone else. Not even PT, The man I've been stressing over for the last 10 months. Yes, this guy I'd known for 6 weeks, pushed aside one I'd known for almost a year. What can I say, it happens. I've been so frustrated with PT, I had basically decided I was giving him til Halloween or until I found someone I liked better before officially moving on. And as soon as I get my Disney Princess DVDs back, that's exactly what I'll do.

Just as I'm realizing I'm into him and I'll probably stop seeing other people cause I'm just not that into them, he announces that this other woman he was dating expressed an interest in them being exclusive. He said he didn't know what he was going to do, but he didn't want to lose me as a friend, no matter what happened. I expressed how that wasn't really an option. He decided to take some space (from me and her, oh and his ex-girlfriend he'd only been broken up with for four months after five years of togetherness) to figure out exactly what he wanted. That didn't go so well. He still ended up calling me the very next day and we continued to hang out as if nothing had changed. Then he was having trouble finding work for this coming school year (he's a music teacher), but had a possible job opportunity in St. Louis. He ended up getting the job, but didn't find out until about 10 days before school started and 2 days before he was going on a week-long vacation.

Right before he left to move to St. Louis, he expressed a desire for space to "settle into his new life". That sucked especially hard because I had decided during the course of his week-long awayness on vacation that I didn't care that he was moving away. I was going to forgo my immediate aversion to long-distance anythings and be a rebel and we would make our own rules because I still wanted him in my life. But, just like before it didn't go so well. I ended up talking to him four times this first week of school, which was last week. Then I called Easy on Saturday to find out if he was feeling better about being in St. Louis not that he was a week in. He said he was glad I called because he was about to call me to tell me he was in town. He wanted to know what I was doing because he wanted to see me. Also, he wanted me to go back with him to St. Louis to have a visit this coming week. Easy said he no longer felt like he needed space, but that he felt like he didn't need the space to still be able to settle in. I was happy to hear all that he had to say and made my way over there after I finished my other activities (church's annual picnic and then Michelle and I saw Camille off to her gala ball with Malik).

I decided I wasn't going to drive back to St. Louis with him because today was my church's 96th anniversary. But I would drive down tomorrow. Plus, I'll get to see my best friend Lion who I haven't seen since before he took Step 1 and finished his second year of med school. Then tonight, Easy calls me and says, "we have to talk. There's something I have to tell him." I reminded him he wasn't allowed to give me any bad news for at least a couple of weeks. After assuring me it wasn't bad news, he tells me he's been feeling pretty bad about the idea of pre-marital sex and how it goes against his Bible. Don't get me wrong, his Bible is my Bible, we've just come to different conclusions on the matter. I've ended relationships before on this subject. I hate limitations of any kind. I had such a bad reaction to it, he thought I was ending things right there and said, "I guess you won't be coming to St. Louis now. I won't have any hard feelings if this is something that is that big to you." I realized I had to take a step back. I told him I would think on it tonight and we'd discuss it tomorrow. I still intend on going to visit him in St. Louis, and I'll do it without trying to seduce him. But how many curve balls can one woman in take in such a short period of time?

I like Easy a lot, but this has been such a tumultuous experience. I'm starting to question the wisdom of having any involvement with a person this mixed up who hasn't yet settled on who he is. There's so many ways that it can go wrong. If he lands in the wrong spot, I'm gonna be left hanging in the wind. But I am kind of feeling him. So until that changes, I guess I'll just hang on, I did always say I like roller coasters.