Topic #4: I Learned More About Who I Wanted To Be As An Adult

I wrote a post recently about my summer. I have a 4-topic series about the highlights of the summer. You can read the post that leads to these four posts here. Read Topic #1. Read Topic #2. Read Topic #3.

A big part of who I am is based on how I was raised. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that it is a bigger part of who I am than most people. Every major decision is weighed heavily based on a bit of what I want and a lot of what my parents, family, and close friends would expect/want. I'm starting to really resent that quality in myself.

The decision to withdraw from medical school was a particularly painful one. This wasn't because of any regret or hesitancy on my part, it was from the years ahead I knew I could count on. Things such as dealing with my mother's bitter comments about wasting my time/life. My father's off-color jokes about me being a drop-out is something else I knew I could count on. Oh and the long-term doozy: my future children asking why grandma told her I threw my life away and was consequently not as large of a success as my potential suggested I should be (yes, my children will use words like that, it's inevitable). That was probably the biggest cause of my hesitation in leaving school.

I'm not a fan of how I end up choosing men either. I blame my mother, my father, and my judge-y friends. That's so not true, I blame myself for my reactions to them. My mother has the world's highest standards for men for me. I would love her standards to sit somewhere around "treats me right" and "is a good person". But no, they're more like, "from a good family, very good looking, funny, smart, driven, strong Christian man, perfect in every way, second only to the Messiah, chiseled Greek athlete figure, best features ever to pass on to her grandchildren, excellent medical and dental history". And my father hates every guy as well he should. But occasionally, he'll hate one less than the others and then he gets sooooo invested in said dude that I feel compelled to never ever bring him up because I don't need to see my Daddy plotting out a marriage that will likely never happen. And as far as my judge-y friends, I specifically surround myself with that type of person because it amuses me and keeps me honest. It's just always a bit taxing to be discussing the latest guy with one of my friends and to get their opinion of him based on if they were dating him. We all lead such different love lives and make such different choices when it comes to the opposite sex, why would they think we'd approach anything romantic the same way? I don't know.

But what I do know is that I'm kind of over letting what those close to me will think have such a big effect on my life and the choices I'll make. I don't want to feel like I'm not being me. Being the best version of myself should be based on who I really am and what I seek to improve about myself.

That being said, I'm so over the disappointment I'm sure to be to my parents. I'm going to redouble my efforts to work towards my dream that I worked out for myself. I will take my mother's horrible career suggestions in stride and let them float away like so many feathers. And I will make my own decisions about men. First decision: I'm so over PT. He had serious potential and he's exactly the type of guy I've always wanted for myself (based mostly on what others wanted for me). But a part of me has always admitted to myself (thought to no one else) that there was something missing, and I didn't really put my finger on it until I met Easy. Easy may or may not be the guy for me (things like that are never based solely on one of the two people involved), but he has reminded me of something I've long forgotten. The best resume in the world can't make up for depth of feeling, emotional connection, and common-ness of spirit. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to finally realize what it is I'm looking for. And it's not someone who has a great career so they can be one half of my dream power couple. It's someone who I connect with on a deeper level. I could explain further because "a deeper level" is incredibly vague and cliche. But I'll just keep my understanding to myself. I get it and I don't need anyone coming along with their opinions and mucking it up.

So, in a nutshell, two of my biggest priorities in life, my romantic life and my career, and shifting gears so as to focus on what I know is right for me, in spite of whatever someone else thinks/wants for me.