Saturday, October 30, 2010

I Will Have A Social Life! I Will Have A Social Life!

So, I'm doing more than just saying it to myself over and over again. I'm doing something about it!

Today was a great day so far. The Fall Festival of Fun at the church was a pretty good success. We gave those kids so much candy! I feel sorry for those parents. If I had kids coming from that party, they would be required to jog around the block three times before coming in the house. I would need to speed along that sugar crash, ha ha.

And as a side success, everyone loved the pamphlet I put together with the information in it about all that my church has to offer children and teenagers. Individuals actually sought me out to tell me so. That makes me feel useful and appreciated.

But as far as a social life, it's been difficult to have one outside of dating. All my close guy friends have girlfriends they're super serious with. All my close girl friends live outside the city or have demanding kid/job/school. Once I get some of those things for myself, I'll be right along with them.

For now though, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with at the drop of the hat. I was starting to feel like maybe a thriving social life just wasn't going to happen. But then I realized I had to be more proactive. I try not to just let life happen to me.

How did I remedy this situation? I realized I missed Bad and I haven't hung out with him in forever. I haven't seen him since our birthday and that was at the beginning of the month. So I asked what he and Jordan were up to tonight.

And voila! We are going to a party at Shrine tonight. I figured I should put my costume to good use. It's not much of a costume. I still can't even be sure what it is. I've got a black velvet cape, a catsuit, a sequined silver belt, and black peep toe pumps. I'm like a rock star/diva/superhero/evil fill-in-the-blank hybrid.

But I will be hanging out with friends tonight and enjoying myself out on the town because I'm in my 20s damnit! I guess that's not a good reason because I don't intend on becoming a hermit the day I turn 30. But I'm heading to Bad's and Jordan's apartment now, so good night blogosphere.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Hobbies, Healthy Eating, And Helping Out

I like days like today because I get a variety of things accomplished.

There is the usual job applications that I try not to feel too pessimistic about before they're even submitted.

But I also took the time to take a relaxing bath. My parents' house could really use those Bath Crashers guys from DIY Network, but they do have a jacuzzi tub, so the bath was still very relaxing.

I also finished this pamphlet/handout thingee I was asked to make for my church's Halloween Autumn party tomorrow. And if I do say so myself, it looks fantastic. I'm just really glad to have been of use. All the work we've been doing to get all this information compiled ended up being needed sooner than expected. I'm so proud to be the person they sought to get this done. Every bit of usefulness I can feel I grab out for like it's keeping my head floating above water.

My parents and I are having a healthy-ish dinner tonight. We are getting carry-out from one of our favorite Italian restaurants in the city. I think they can manage to enjoy a great salad, pasta, and sides for less than a third of their Weight Watchers points. That's always good news because it means I'm eating really healthy food too. Keeping track of the changes I've made in my diet will on ensure that my yoga-toned body will stay intact.

And tonight we have league bowling. I think I've mentioned that my parents and I are in our church's bowling league. Well, I'm not naturally athletic, not even a little bit. I work my way up to being good at any sport I take on, but I never walk in the door doing well. Last week is the first week I did well. Like really well. And it wasn't luck, I was making an effort and yielding results. So I'm really excited for tonight to see if I continue to improve or at least stay as good as I was last week. Cross your fingers for me!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Why Am I Doing It? I Do It For The Kiddies

I don't know about the people who read this blog, but I for one am happy to take a break from talking about my tumultuous love life.

So what will I be talking about today? My kids. I know what you're thinking. Where the hell did CeCe get some kids from? I got them from church silly. They have them on sale there for $49.99 each. Okay, I get it. I'm only funny to myself. Moving on...

I work with multiple groups at my church that work with the children and teenagers. I work with the Mission Circle for the teenage girls. I work with the Jr./Youth/Young Adult Ushers. I work with the Mission's Mentor Program. And I volunteer with the Children's Church.

These kids show up at my house all hours of the day. I feed them, take them shopping, take them to the movies, give them advice, help with their homework, offer spiritual guidance, and fuss at them when they've messed up. They are my kids.

And this work I do with the church is a pretty big part of my life. I love working with the kids and trying my best to help guide them in the direction of ending up successful adults. I had such fun at the church as a child and teenager that I just want to help ensure other kids love it as much as I did.

Right now, all the groups that serve the children/teenagers are coming together under one umbrella to reach out to all the church's youth. It's a really exciting prospect because when people work together, the events get bigger, the more diverse needs get met, and conflicts are reduced.

For the next year, each one of the eight groups has agreed to take over a month and plan an even that reaches out to all the youth. We're taking them on field trips, community service opportunities, spiritual journey, etc. We have homework nights, game nights, lock-ins, etc. By working together, we'll be accomplishing more than the total of what each group could do by themselves. This is a big step to getting all the kids together. And unlike when I was coming up in the church, no one group is being left out in all the shuffle.

For the new year, we'll have t-shirts, a page on the church website, and calendar so the kids can keep track of events, and a full membership roll so we can keep track of the kids. People, all I'm saying is if you are looking for fulfilling outreach work, starting close to home (at your church) is the key!

I'm Climbing Off The Ledge and Out Onto A Limb

I re-read my post from earlier and to say I was frustrated is a huge understatement.I was frustrated because I finally felt like my head had stopped spinning. Since Easy has popped back up, it's been a whole lot of him talking and saying lovely things and me not having much of a response besides a skeptical look.

I was ready to have an actual conversation. I needed him to explain some things and make sure I wasn't misinterpreting anything he was saying. I needed to let him know that I was still highly skeptical and I wanted to explain the root of that. Not being able to get all that out right when I wanted to was driving me crazy.

Thank God I've been working to have hobbies in place. Today was a day I was super excited to practice yoga. Like always, it was very relaxing. I was able to focus on something else besides my frustration. And when class was over, I had two missed phone calls and two texts from Easy. I'm telling you people, yoga makes life way better.

So, I climbed down off my crazy ledge and Easy and I picked up our conversation. We talked on and off tonight for about six hours. We re-hashed everything. I mean everything. We discussed everything from the time we met up until this evening. It was kind of intense. There was a whole lot of honesty. I said things he'd rather not hear. He said things I'd rather not hear. But I believe everything is out in the open. I know the whole story of what went down with the chick he picked over me in August. He knows the whole story about Leo.

I expressed to Easy how apprehensive I was to trust that he wasn't going to pull the rug out from under me again. And I told him how I was hesitant to even see him. He wants me to come down to St. Louis the weekend of Nov. 12th. But I'm not sure I want to go. At least today I'm not sure. Right now, I feel like waiting until he comes back for Thanksgiving. Or maybe when he gets back in January.

But we agreed to take things slow and see where they head. We really enjoy each other's company and we just vibe. So I'm going out on a limb to vibe with Easy. He told me he will give me time and try to help me along towards getting rid of that apprehension. I told him we'll see.

I don't know if I'm any closer to that healthy happy relationship I want as part of the life I'd like to build for myself. But at least I'm reassured that one of my hobbies is a keeper. Yoga is helping provide me with the flexibility and strength to go out on that limb. That and my endless optimism.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Those Seeds of Hope Are Now Frustrating Little Seedlings

I have been talking about the inkling of hope that I feel that Easy is not completely full of shit this time. That's now grown into more of a full-blown small feeling of hope.

And what is my reward? I haven't heard from Easy. It really hasn't been that long at all. I talked to him yesterday after he left work. He said he would call me after he finished running an errand and before he went to this jam session, but he didn't call. I texted him later that night, but he didn't respond.

And now I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with myself that something this small is even causing frustration. A normal reaction from me would be to think something just came up or he was tired and went to bed early and he's at work now so I can't expect to hear from him til after 4. But my reaction this time is, "see, I knew that dude couldn't be counted on." It's a bit extreme.

And I'm frustrated with him because of all the times to not follow your word, three days after proclaiming you're not the same person is the wrong time to do it. Why doesn't he know that?

He could just be giving me space. He's been saying during the last couple of conversations that maybe I need some space to let my head stop spinning. I told him that was a bad idea. He could just be doing it on his own. I don't know. I won't know until I talk to him again, so I should stop speculating.

But when I do talk to him again, I plan on telling him about Leo. I'll tell him as much as he wants to know, but there really isn't much to tell seeing as how there was never a physical relationship between Leo and me. But still, full disclosure is good for re-building trust, though I never lost his, but that's not the point.

I will probably also tell him that I'm ready to commit to anything because I'm still gun-shy, still trying to figure out if I can forgive him with no regrets, and still waiting to fully remember all those wonderful feelings I had for him before. But Easy will be welcome to try and help that process along. If I still feel that way the next time we speak, that's what I'll say.

I suppose anything worth having is worth fighting for or whatever. But this work towards having a healthy happy relationship by age 30 is quite stressful.

Countdown to the life I want: 3 years, 11 months, 14 days.

And Then There Was One

After writing my post about learning to trust my instincts, I began to start thinking about getting in touch with what my heart is really feeling. I was able to finally feel like my head had stopped spinning because of the events of the last three days.

I realized that I was starting to feel some optimism and hope about Easy. There was a tiny part of me that was beginning to believe things could work out well. The skepticism still far outweighs it, but it's there.

And then I started thinking about Leo. I was really starting to like him. I definitely enjoy spending time with him. When he asked me what I wanted and what I wanted from him, it took me a while to figure out what I wanted. I did figure out that I didn't know for sure that I wanted it with him. I still wanted to explore to see if I did want it with him. That was a couple days ago.

Knowing what he wants, I finally came to a conclusion. What Leo's offering isn't good enough. I can't help but compare it with what Easy is offering, and it doesn't measure up. If Easy wasn't back in the picture, I'd probably be on board with continuing as we were, just hanging out and getting to know each other and see if over time what we want matches up more.

But that is not the case. And I must admit, my decision to step away from Leo is driven a bit by wanting to avoid having to tell Leo about Easy and to tell Easy about Leo. But I think it's for the best. I talked to Leo today and told him that us focusing on just being friends without moving forward from that point to anything else. The reason I thought we were done in the first place is because he suggested that as a possible conclusion since we wanted different things. So bringing it back up to him was a pretty painless conversation. Leo and I will be friends, nothing more. And like every decision that is right, I felt ten times better after it was concluded.

So now the question is what to do with Easy. That inkling of hope is there. But I don't know if I can just forgive him for what happened. I know he's sorry and I really believe that he intends to be better this time. I just wish I could trust his ability to follow through on what he wants to happen between us now. I don't have faith that what he's saying to me today will be the same thing he's saying to me in six weeks.

My instincts are telling me to give it time. My heart wants to see where this can go. So for now, that is the plan. Part of the reason I feel okay about this is because I came across an e-mail I sent myself exactly one month ago that was supposed to become a blog post. I was missing Easy, but holding on to the good parts.

With Easy, I tried to be open and at that time I didn't regret that attempt. I think shortly after that, I began to regret it because that openness I had with Easy made it very difficult to focus on anyone else. I had known Leo for about two weeks when I wrote that e-mail. After I wrote it all out, I got angry. Angry at Easy and angry at myself. All that openness went away. One month later, Leo is telling me I never even tried to open up with him and that wasn't okay. And he was right, I never tried to open up.

I guess we'll see if I am having the same problem with Easy in a short amount of time. Or maybe I'll decide tomorrow I can't move forward with him either.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Has Trusting My Instincts Been Going Well? Good Question

I wrote a post two weeks ago about learning in yoga class to have a focus for self-improvement. My focus has been to be in tune with my body, mind, and heart so that I can trust my instincts. Since that time, I have taken a look at myself to see if this pointed focus has had any tangible results to yield.

In terms of my body, I feel like it has gone well. I'm proud of my diet. Not diet like a crash diet to lose weight. I mean diet like the food I eat every day. I make good choices, and my diet is well-balanced. My yoga practice has yielded some amazing results.

I noticed yesterday in class that my shirt was loose. This shirt fit pretty snugly when I first started yoga. I'm not obsessed with constantly being smaller, I'm obsessed with being healthy. And when I'm at a point where things that shouldn't jiggle don't, then I'll be happy.

There is a plateau I will reach where the body I have, the food I eat and the exercise I do will all be in balance and there will be no more losing weight or inches. I will finally be able to shop for clothes without fear of them being too small this time next month. I've already altered some of my clothes on the sewing machine. I'm hoping that won't become an unfortunate habit.

In terms of my mind, I'm feeling pretty in touch with my instincts. It's been a while since I've thought about the best decision to make and then done something else. And every time I've listened to my instinct/conscious, it's ended well. I can trust my judgement completely I think.

That's been very useful for things like career planning, advice given to friends, and building the life I want. I'm looking forward to making more decisions. And yes, I'm aware how corny that sounds.

In terms of my heart, well, let's just say it's not going how I expected. I expected to be currently working on being single and dealing with that. And I'm still single, just with a footnote. Easy basically just offered me everything I've always said I wanted. Leo is there offering his version of a safe relationship. If I had to decide right now, I'd pick neither one. I think that decision is crazy because that's not at all what I would have said was my heart's desire a week ago.

Getting in touch with my heart has been the most difficult part of trusting my instincts. I've never been in touch with my emotions unless tit was emotions about shoes of puppies or something like that. But I'm working on it because I don't want to make the wrong decision and contribute to breaking my own heart.

And Then There Were Two

I was stressing out last night because I was contacted by Easy who was telling me everything I've ever wanted to hear from a man who is interested in me. But there is so much skepticism because of how horribly things ended between us.

So what could possibly make this worse? The guy who I haven't named reached out to me again today. The conclusion I had drawn that things were over between us because we really wanted different things was apparently not the conclusion he had drawn.

I spent a good portion of my day responding to text messages from both Easy and Leo. Yes, he finally gets a name, and it's going to be Leo. I was having my head spinning and feeling a number of feelings.

I thought things were over with Leo, which altered completely my reaction to Easy. And because I'm still off balance on my reaction to what Easy had to say, I basically had a non-reaction to Leo popping back up.

But this is what I know: I just had a conversation with two men in the last week about the possibilities of our future romantic possibilities. I cannot date two men at once. I would be furious with either of them if they were talking to someone else.

I feel like I should tell each guy about the other. But that doesn't seem like the best idea because I may decide I want nothing to do with Easy tomorrow and then telling Leo would be pointless. Or I could decide the same about Leo and then bringing him up to Easy would be pointless. I'm just so confused.

I want to be in a healthy and happy relationship. Having two men who could theoretically fill that want was not part of the deal. It's one thing to casually date more than one person. It's something entirely different to have emotional involvement with more than one man. I think I'll be able to figure out things more clearly once my head stops spinning. At least I hope.

One piece of good news is that I didn't have a cynical dream last night. I just dreamed about the work I'm doing at church. That work at the church is going really well. If I can ever stop tripping over these men, I can write about that because it is an important part of my life and the life I'm building for myself.

I do feel a bit closer to having the healthy happy relationship that I want. I guess part of me thinks I'll end up exploring the possibilities with one of these guys. Hell, I don't know.

Countdown to the life I want: 3 years, 11 months, 15 days.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Back To Love's Laboratory

Just a couple days ago, I was writing about how things were done with the guy whose name I never mentioned. I thought I would take a break from guys for a while. That was the plan, you know?

I never have trouble meeting men anymore (at least not since I've been back in Chicago). But I was going to avoid meeting men until my girl Michelle comes to visit home in a few weeks. You can read all about the manhunt I had planed for her us on my other blog. Her day is Friday; Michelle's T.G.I.Fridays to be exact.

I was sailing along in my happy man-free world for all of 48 hours. I get home from church and sat cringing on the couch with my dad as the Bears create a very unique grid iron crash-and-burn. They set a new record today for interceptions. I was in agony. Not even the large numbers of interceptions thrown all around the NFL today could make me feel better (yeah, I'm looking at you too Drew Brees). And just as I'm thinking about heinous crashes-and-burn, my phone vibrates, signalling a text message.

Who could it be? Why it's Easy. Easy with whom I had an epic crash and burn not too long ago. Easy, who I was having trouble getting over so I was faking it til I actually got there. Easy, who has been reaching out to me a couple times in the last month only to get a response of "leave me alone, we can't be friends". Yeah, that Easy.

The last time we communicated was me telling him via text that I wasn't yet over him, and I would appreciate him leaving me alone so I could finish that process.

He got me with a text that said, "If you tell me you don't have feelings for me, I'll never bother you again. But if you do, give me a chance to plead my case." That's a paraphrase, but that's basically what he said.

Next thing I know, he's picking me up and we're going back to his house to talk. He pleaded a pretty good case, basically letting me know how much he missed me, and trying to explain how things would be different this time. And then it hit me.

I'm not the same person with him that I was back in July. That open-to-whatever, see-where-it-goes person is gone. In her place is Ms. Skeptical. The chick that just ended things with a great guy because she had one of his deal breakers: she refused to open up emotionally. That's who I am now.

I made an effort to open up to Easy and it blew up in my face and I feel a bit like I can't be that person again. I can't just throw caution to the wind. But I do want to be capable of a strong and healthy relationship one of these days. I just don't know that getting involved with Easy again is the way to do it. I'm so confused. But I'm back home and I"m going to sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow.

I just hope I don't have a dream where we're getting married and he leaves me at the altar for that chick he told me he liked more than me. Because that would suck. Did I mention I tend to have very cynical dreams?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Foundation For Building A Life Is...

Taking care of home, at least as much as I can.

What does taking care of home involve? Not much seeing as how I don't have a home of my own. But since I've moved back home, my parents' home is now mine too. For now.

So how can I make things better? By not forgetting that I also help mess things up. I have been out of practice for cleaning up. Sure, I make dinner occasionally. But that is more about helping my parents maintain their new eating habits than helping out around the house.

Since today is Saturday, I'm completely single, and have no obligations today, I will help clean up the house. I will actually make my bed, but that's the least of the issues. I can vacuum, wash dishes, etc.

I can be a useful member of the household. That will give me a sense of accomplishment. And I'm sure my parents will love that I'm being a more contributory member of the family.

And once I've given myself a happier home environment, the next step in building my life foundation will be making sure I'm at peace with myself. I think that will be decided based on a look at if my focus in yoga has been effective.

Countdown to the life I want: 3 years, 11 months, 18 days.

Friday, October 22, 2010

A Researcher Of Life I Call Myself, And So Shall I Be

I've been thinking a lot about the life I want to have. Earlier this year, I went through a massive overhaul of the life I'd been building for myself. I left medical school, I moved back home with my parents, and I expanded my list of friends and hobbies.

I decided I didn't want to be a doctor anymore, so that meant figuring out what it is I want to do with my life. I can't really imagine myself as a stay-at-home mother. I'm a bit too career-minded for that. I could maybe do it until a kid starts kindergarten, but it wouldn't be a life decision for me, so I have to figure out my career.

I also want to be married. Eventually. So I need to be in a position to be ready for that when the right man comes along.

I like the idea of having a full life, so that means relationships with friends and family as well as hobbies/volunteering. So for now on, my blog is going to be about this. I just turned 26 eleven days ago. So I think I'm going to give myself until age 30 to get it together and have the life I want. I think I can guarantee that I'll have all the parts, except of course the husband part. The husband part depends on more than just me after all.

What exactly do I want by age 30? I want to have a Master's degree and be working in the career path I see myself advancing in until I retire. I'd like to be with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I'd like to have a closeness with my friends that comes from the depth of true friendship. I'd like to be working on my interests. I'd like to be doing volunteer work that really enriches the lives of others. I'd like to have the body I want and the healthy diet and exercise schedule that will ensure a healthy life.

I'm usually a very happy person, so having all these different parts won't make me happier, but it will make me more satisfied that I'm reaching my full potential. And I've got 3 years, 11 months, and 19 days to make it happen.

"All This Over A Fu*#@ng Tooth"

I hate horror movies. I hate slasher movies. I can stomach certain suspense movies if they have an amazing plot, cast, and production value. But there is one horror movie I just love!

It's called Darkness Falls. It based on the tooth fairy. She lived in this town called Darkness Falls and she gave the children a gold coin for their baby teeth. Long story short, she gets killed by the townspeople and vows vengeance.

The first time I saw it, it scared the crap out of me. But I was deliciously scared. And I loved the ending. The movie came out in 2003, so the graphics aren't that awesome anymore. They kind of remind me of Angel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer-type graphics.

But since it is nearing the end of October and there are lots of scary movies on the television, this is one you might want to watch.

What's up with the title of the post? That happens to be my favorite line from the movie. I crack up every time and it comes just in time to keep me from completely freaking out about all the dead people.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Changing Behavior In Order To Get A Different Result

One of the things I like to pride myself on is avoiding repeating mistakes. But when it comes to men, I'm not so good at that.

I find myself engaging in the same behavior from guy to guy and justifying it by saying that I'm just being myself. It's pretty much true, but there is behavior that is warranted and behavior that isn't. In the past 24 hours, I've managed to avoid two mistakes I tend to do.

*I'm really glad I never done an official post all about the guy I like because now he is we are no more. We had a talk about what we each want and it doesn't match, so we're done. And no one who reads this blog has to try and keep his name straight from the others because he never got a blog name.

*I was contacted today by a guy I used to date. It was a quick friendly conversation that I just let be what it was. I didn't ask how he had been doing, and I kind of didn't care either. No angst about what it meant; it didn't mean anything.

Another mistake I've been making is avoiding thinking about what I want. I used to think of it as going into new situations with a clean slate. But what it really boils down to is me editing what it is I want based on the guy. So today I came up with list (I'm big on lists). It was a list of what I wanted with the guy who's name was never mentioned. That's why we're no longer whatever it was we were until about 5 pm today.

I also made a list of what I want in general, and it was different in some ways that the guy-specific list. So now I have a written concrete version of what I want. And I will not treat the next guy who comes along like he has to fit this list or else. I will use it as a guideline to make sure I'm on track so I don't end up feeling, yet again, that I'm not getting what I want out of a situation.

So what is it that I want?

• I want to just be done looking and already be with the person I want for the rest of my life, but I do realize how unrealistic that is

• I want to be open and completely myself with a man who likes all of me, or at least accepts all of me

• I want romance and intimacy and I don’t want to have to beg to be romanced

• I want a relationship that has no basis on what my family (or his family) think is best for us

• I want to build a what would be a good solid foundation for the future without the pressure and weight of planning for the future

• I want some sort of security so I don’t end up regretting opening my heart, but I know that’s also unrealistic, so I’d at least like the assurance that if something changes, I’ll be told sooner rather than later

• I want open and honest communication without trying so hard to put the best foot forward

• I want that special feeling I get when I know I just love being around a person, it’s part comfort, part excitement, part joy

Is that asking too much? Maybe it is, or maybe it's just that my breath is too funky. I'm gonna go brush my teeth and see if that makes a man magically appear who wants what I want.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

MLB Finals, Men Issues, Clothing, Oh My!

I've been so unsure of what to write about in blog posts lately. I'm quite sure it's because the majority of what I want to talk about (a guy a like), I've decided against posting. So instead, I'll post around it with other info.

*I watch a lot of TV because there's just not much for me to do outside the house. I've been watching the MLB playoffs and I'll admit I like watching the Yankees bite the big one. I didn't know it was possible for them to lose by so many runs. They really ought to be ashamed of themselves. The Texas Rangers have never even been to the World Series!

*I"m really enjoying Dancing with the Stars this season. It made me learn things I never thought I'd think about these people. I don't hate Bristol Palin anymore. I also like the Situation. I do hate Brandy now. Kyle is actually sexy. Rick Fox isn't that sexy. I never would've thought those things.

*I do like this guy, but I'm seriously terrified that things are going to turn out just like they always seem to for the last couple of years. I'm pretty sure terrified is the correct word. I'm starting to think it's not everyone else, it's me. I just have to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

*I have about 5 outfits I can wear now. I lost all that weight, and I'm loving being in shape, but I can't fit anything except my new jeans. It's frustrating to not be in a position to get new clothes. But that doesn't mean I'm going to try and gain the weight back.

*I think my girl Gloria will be the first of the group that includes her, Michelle, Camille and me. If her boyfriend does propose, I'm bumping someone off their day so she will get a day on My Life's Love Medley. I'd love to chronicle her engagement and preparations for a wedding a marriage.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Thoughts on the Past Week

I've been missing all week. I've been half busy and half just not feeling like putting up a post. But here are the things that crossed my mind this week:

*I'm so happy for those Chilean miners who were trapped. I wonder if the first thing they did before they checked them off at the hospital was hose them down. Seriously, it had been over 60 days! And that one guy's wife kissed him on the mouth as soon as he came out of the hole. Now that's love.

*I can't wait for it to be mid-November. At that point, election day will be over and so will preliminary analysis. Some of these candidates are quite horrible. But at least here in Illinois, there are a specific set of horrible candidates who aren't nearly as crazy as some other options around the country.

*October is my favorite time of year sports-wise. I get MLB playoffs, NBA pre-season, and NFL full swing. Basketball is really my least favorite so I don't remember if it's playoffs overlap with pre-season baseball in the early summer.

*I really looked amazing at my birthday party. It took me many hours of shopping but I think it paid off. The dress! The shoes! Don't believe me? See for yourself.

Yes, I'm standing on a hotel bed. We got a hotel room so we wouldn't drink and drive. The party was downtown, none of my friends live downtown. And I wanted a full body shot, so I got on the bed.

*Not having a job sucks! But the time spent looking has given me another layer of clarity on what it is I want to spend my time doing, if I could just find someone to hire me!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I'm Back From The Club, And It Was Awesome!

I'm sitting here with Bad, his sister, his girlfriend, his friend, Michelle, her sister, and their cousins and a friends of theirs. And Lion and his cousin are here too.

We had an awesome time at our birthday party. Michelle unfortunately got sick, so Camille and Gloria have headed home, but the rest of us are at my hotel room chilling right now.  Lion and his cousin thought I was typing an e-mail, but I'm writing a blog post. It's taking forever because I'm drunk and it's hard to type correctly.

We're having fun de-briefing about tonight. Lion's cousin was on Facebook. A number of us agree that Facebook is the devil, but I digress.

We are eating McDonald's and Al's #1. It's so good when you're drunk. Lion's cousin is from the south... and the Midwest... and St. Louis (which is in the Midwest).

Whatever, I've done posting, I'm drunk and I wanna hang with my friends. They're laughing at me for typing fast.

Funny story, "I don't have anywhere to drink." I just said that, but I thought I was saying, "I don't have anywhere to sleep. Michelle and her sister and their cousins are taking up all the room. But Lion's cousin left the room to go get a girl and I may not be able to sleep in their room.

Lion just told me I was missing life while blogging, so I'm done for real now. Yay, I had a successful birthday party.

Friday, October 8, 2010

They Say It's Your Birthday, Duh-duh-duh-nuh-nuh-duh-nuh, It's My Birthday Too!!

I wrote in my other blog today about my girl Michelle's birthday, which is today. My friend Bad's birthday was yesterday. The three of us are having a party tonight. My birthday is Monday. I think that's all the basic info.

Let me now add how excited I am for the party!!! See that, three exclamation marks. Maybe if I throw in some CAPS, my internet speaking voice will be louder, indicating even more excitement. But no one wants to be yelled at via text or instant message or blog, so I'll just stick with how I'm typing.

Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel room a couple blocks from the club. I'm eating an Italian beef sandwich and fries from Al's #1 Italian Beef. I'm drinking a Smirnoff Triple Black. I've got a bottle of Chateau Ste. Michelle Harvest Select Riesling on ice, and two other bottles waiting for when they are needed. My dad brought me four cupcakes earlier that are waiting for Bad and Michelle to get here. I've got the most fabulous dress and shoes sitting in the closet. My early evening is turning out better than I could have planned it. I might be doing the best things ever right now for my birthday!

On my birthday, I like to make a couple plans, but leave lots of room for living in the moment. I didn't plan the food, the cupcakes, or the alcohol. But they're here, and I'm happy. I'm also feeling super relaxed because I went to yoga today right before I came and checked into the hotel. Everybody I've talked to seems to be in a good mood and I believe tonight will go well. I may possibly post about the party when we get back to the hotel. It depends on how drunk I'll be. It's not good to try and post when your fingers can't hold their place on the keys.

The Point of Today's Post: I'm having the most pleasant kick-off to my birthday this year. I like to celebrate it for days in a row, and today is Day 1!

My Car Looks Like Crap And Yours Should Too

My car looks like crap, It needs a better washing than what drive-through car washes seems able to accomplish. The tires aren't shiny, the inside needs a good dusting. The inside also needs a good vacuuming, steam cleaning, and maybe a de-lousing.

I'm just kidding, sort of. And I don't think anyone should do anything just because I do. The world would be a boring place with nothing but Democrats who use their hair as an accessory and dress for their body types while walking around talking like a black character from Dawson's Creek or Gilmore Girls (oh wait, they didn't have those), all having the same taste in men. I do not think that would be awesome, except for the dressing for your body type part. EVERYONE should do that, but I digress.

Back to my car, it's a bit messy. Every time my mother gets into it, she requests I get it detailed. In honor of being in tune with myself, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so against a shiny happy car. I've finally figured it out.

I am against the traditional status symbols, at least the ones that are likely to appear in a music video. I do not want to be the stereotype of my race. Don't get me wrong, I want people to be who they are, right down to wearing skinny jeans even when they're shaped like a refrigerator, but I don't want to be a stereotype myself.

Realizing that in a way, I am a stereotype has helped me get over myself and stop being self-destructive. Yes, not taking care of my car is self-destructive. I'm not in a position to get a new one if this one wears out ahead of it's time. And I'm vastly reducing the re-sale cost of my car because eventually, that Pepsi stain is not going to come out of the cup-holder. And then I'll be a stereotypical person with no money from her old car to contribute to the new one.

What stereotype am I? I may not be the typical black woman stereotype, but I'm a typical 20-something college graduate woman stereotype. I love romantic comedies, I blame my bad luck with men on the high standards set by my daddy, I'm into going green and yoga, and I love shopping, diamonds, and chocolate. Not that I can afford any of those things, but I do love me some sparkly diamonds.

What's the point? Don't be a stereotype! But don't take it so far that you become self-destructive. I am now at peace with my decision to have my car detailed, it doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly have 24" rims and suicide doors, I realize I can be a black person who cares about their car without being a stereotype.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Learn To Trust Your Instincts, Cause A Yogi Told You To

Everyday in yoga class, they tell us to pick a focus for the class. The last week and a half, I've been working on trusting my instincts. I work on being in tune with my body so I don't overdo it in exercise. I work on being in tune with my mind so I stay at peace and clear and logical in my thinking. I work on being in tune with my heart so that I make good decisions emotionally.

So far, I think it's been working. I feel more in tune with my body, mind, and heart. Focusing on my body has had the added benefit of increasing my bowling game. I'm able to more quickly identify what I'm doing wrong and to fix it. This certainly makes my teammates in my league happy. And being in tune with my body has affected the way I sleep, sit, stand, etc. I just feel better in my own skin. I am loving that unexpected addition.

Focusing on my mind has made me feel more at peace. That plus blogging. Whenever something happens to stress me out, I focus on it mentally, and I think on all the parts of it that bother me. Then I come up with a plan to release that stress and follow through. Blogging also helps. I get my thoughts out into a post, and then I let the anger go. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going through with my complaint to the BBB, but that's because I've read other reviews online with similar complaints and I think it needs to be followed up on so that they realize they can't keep doing it to people.

Focusing on my heart is trickier. I grew up in a house where is you cried the response was not, "what's wrong, are you okay?" The response was, "why are you crying, stop it." And also, I've never been comfortable feeling vulnerable with friends, family, or guys. So to take extra time out of my day to think about how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it is a bit stressful. But I've been working on it because there will come a day when I have to decide something for myself, and I will know the answer because I will be in tune with myself.

I will say, "that guy is not for me, my mind and heart tell me so." Or I will say, "No, I shouldn't go out tonight, my body and mind tell me so." Or maybe even, "I should go for this job, my mind tells me so." Whatever the influence, if I'm aware of all three, I will feel more confident in my decisions and more comfortable with others' reactions to my decisions. That is the plan, for now. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sound Bar, Chicago, IL Is On My Shit List

Today, my birthday party was almost ruined. I shouldn't say almost because it may still be ruined. Here's the story.

My friends Bad, Michelle, and I all have birthdays near each other. We decided to celebrate our birthdays together this year. Our plans for a party bus fell through, so we decided we would do VIP with bottle service at a club. All three of us loved Sound Bar on Ontario in Chicago, so it was a no-brainer to go there. I called and was told they had a special on bottle service on Fridays and it would be $125 per bottle. I was told to call back when I had all the names for the reservation.

When I called back with more questions about the reservation, I was never told the price had changed. But when I called today to actually make the reservation (I did say I had flaky friends. It took them all about a week to say for sure if they were in or out), I was told the price was $195 per bottle. I was told the woman I had previously spoken with was just wrong.

With incredible disbelief, I explained the situation to Michelle and Bad. Bad and I began trying to come up with an alternate plan because neither of us wanted to pay the extra money. I felt like they were trying to take me for a ride. Luckily, Michelle found and e-mail she received from them today stating that the price for Belvidere bottles on Friday was $125.

So I called back and told them what the e-mail said. They told me the e-mail was wrong because this was a special Friday with a special DJ. I told them the e-mail also said this was a special Friday, with that special DJ, and the special price. They told me the e-mail was wrong and there was nothing they could do for me if I wasn't willing to pay the price of $195 per bottle.

There was no way I was asking my friends to pay extra money to make that happen. Especially when that damn e-mail went out 35 minutes after I first spoke to the woman on the phone and she told me a different price. So now I'm mad. I don't appreciate being lied to. I was about to bring these people hundreds of dollars in money Friday night. We were going to get four bottles AND we had extra people coming who weren't going to do bottle service, but were just going to buy their own drinks. And now they get nothing.

And not only do they get nothing, I reported them to the Better Business Bureau for false advertising and bad customer service. In case you ever want to report someone in the Chicago area,

BBB of Chicago & Northern Illinois
(Chicago, IL)
330 N. Wabash, Ste. 2006
Chicago, IL 60611-7621
Phone: (312)832-0500
Fax: (312)832-9985

So like I said, Sound Bar is on my shit list. I've spent lots of money there over the past couple of years. Another dollar I shall never spend. If you're in the Chicago area, don't go there, they suck! Go to Lumen, or Spy Bar or Proof or somewhere they give you the same price they quoted to you two weeks prior on the phone and the same fucking day in an e-mail!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Birthday Planning

If I get asked one more time, "you're planning your own party?!" I'm going to have a bitch fit! It's not like the people asking me this question were offering to take over the planning anyway.

Why can't I plan my own party? And it's not just my party, it's Michelle's party and Bad's party too. No one is throwing me a party, all my close friends either share my birthday or live in a different state.

And every other year I've planned my own party. It'd be nice to have someone plan something for me, but I like what I like and it's just easier to do it myself than to give someone a long list of things to do. Too much middle man.

I'm having so much fun sorting out the details with Michelle and Bad. We're gonna have so much fun together bringing in the beginning or end of our mid-20s. But whatever, it's time for a birthday wish list.

1. Family Dinner - I always have a dinner with my family on my birthday. And it's always awesome. I love my family. It's been interesting this year trying to talk my parents into eating somewhere other than Salads R Us. I still have another week to make it happen.

2. Romantic Dinner - I've never celebrated my birthday with someone I was dating and left it with nothing but good memories. The closest I've come is a memory tainted with the understanding that I was going to break up with him in the near future.

3. Awesome Party With My Friends - Being out dancing and having fun with the people I kick it with here in Chicago would be the highlight of my birthday. Well, not the highlight, but the most universally-fun part.

4. Shopping - I haven't been shopping in sooo long. Buying a great party dress and maybe some great boots for the fall/winter will bring a smile to my face as well.

5. No unwelcome birthday wishes - I've recently dismissed some people from my life and I would love to make it through my birthday without hearing from them. There's a reason we don't speak and my birthday is not a good time to reconnect.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Running Against The Clock

Today I was on the phone, metaphorically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I was trying to make several appointments. I made a dentist appointment for Thursday. I made a gynecologist appointment for tomorrow. I tried to make an eye doctor appointment, but that didn't end well. And I was doing all this while sorting out misunderstandings between me and a certain guy I keep alluding to. But back to the main point.

BlueCross BlueShield of Illinois HMO is not the devil. Thank God since I had a huge favor to ask of them. They switched my physician's group from Rockford to Chicago and they got me in to see a doctor. Why the rush? My insurance is about to expire.

Thanks to our president and non-evil legislators in Washington, I got to stay on my dad's insurance for some extra time. I was very happy to be on my dad's insurance and not using my school's insurance. But now that I'm no longer a student, and unemployed, my time is up. So I was trying to get in before I was shut out.

Here's the good news, my insurance policy doesn't expire until November 1st, so I get extra time to sort out this issue with the vision coverage my dad is still paying for me to have. I need glasses and new contacts, but when I tried to make an appointment, I was told I wasn't covered. This is very wrong. I hope they fix it because everything I get this month has to last me.

I'm totally switching to Seasonique birth control pills because they give you a three month pack. I can at least get the first pack while I still have insurance and just plan on how I'm going to cover the cost in three months. And of course, I"m hoping I'll have a job by then and will just be counting down the days until my insurance benefits kick in. I never stop hoping for long shots.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Something Men and Women Can Agree On: There Are Things That Guys Do Wrong

I was surfing the web last night.This interesting post on Normally I'd be watching tv waiting to sleep and try to not have that dream where my brother is trying to kill me.

But I was waiting for my downloaded sewing pattern to print and I needed something to do. By the way, be patient and order a pattern that gets delivered. Downloading printing patterns suck! But I digress.

This article brought a huge smile to my face. Mostly because I was just talking about this stuff with this guy. Not all at once, but over the last couple of week. I said that proposals should match the who the people are as a couple. I mentioned a guy who had great potential until that potential fell off a cliff the day he gave me an envelope filled with home-made coupons for ice cream and backrubs.

So the question is: do I think like a guy, or does this guy's website actually have the info on how women think?

For each thing the link says women will hate, there is a solution. The solution they offer for how to propose is pretty dead on. I've heard of some pretty crappy proposals, like putting the ring in the ice cube, yuck. I've also heard some pretty great ones. What made them great? They fit the couple!

The solution they offer for how to give a home-made gift is just okay. I think it's better to go for doing things for her. Nice manly guy-type things combined with taking-care-of-her-things. Cook her dinner, give her a backrub, kill the spider she swears she saw crawl around the corner. Just make sure you mention you're doing it because you care or some crap like that. Trust me, the immediate joy of a backrub given two minutes after being offered is waaay better than some coupon for a backrub and some undetermined future date.

The solution they offer for what to do instead of getting the girl something she needs is awesome. Getting stuff at work is something most women love, although not all women. Top for one isn't one of those women. At least she wasn't when she was dating that Libra dude a few months ago.But I have a better solution, get her something she needs along with something she wants. Believe me, I'll be very happy to receive the new Dyson vacuum cleaner if it has a heart pendant necklace hanging around the handle. I always say, why should it be either or?

Ummmm, the one about World of Warcraft.... I'm not sure what to say. I've never dated someone who's into it. But I have dated people with obsessive interests in video games or sports or music, etc. And it does suck to not be included in it. So whatever the passion is, find a way to include your lady in it. Or at least give her a fighting chance to decide it's your thing and not our thing. Couples don't have to share everything, but don't count out the sharing before you've tried.

The last one I only half agree with. I think trying to get your girl involved in your interests is a good idea. This ties in with the last one. But I do think that instead of forcing each other into things you don't both like, finding new things for you two is a great solution. As long as that solution doesn't replace everything you held dear previous to the relationship, it's a good idea. So she does yoga, he jogs and they've tried to share those interests and it just isn't working. They can go take a kickboxing class together. See? Problem solved.

Are there other things that women hate? There sure are. The Frisky has an article written simply to expand the list started on The ones that stood out to me are:

4. Calling Us Your “Girlfriend” Before We’ve Discussed It: This is because this may have happened to my girl Camille. Her guy Malik made a questionable sentence that sort of inferred it. Sort of. She was on edge waiting to see if he was gonna drop the g-word again.

5. Attempting To Make Out With Us In Public: I'm seriously not an initiator or a long-time lover of PDA. It's just not my thing unless I'm really into the guy and then I'm doing it for him. I do however find their solution amusing.

3. Red roses, boxes of chocolate, and teddy bears clutching hearts—just cheesy!: Whoa, hold up now! I would love to receive those things. But only if they come from a guy who's not cheesy. If it's from a mellow, low-key guy, I'd love to receive flowers and/or candy. What can I say? I was raised by a man who does those things. A girl cannot receive Fannie May mint meltaways every Sweetest Day for the first 25 years of her life and not think that's supposed to continue!

9. Feeding us. Again, we are not in diapers: This just makes me laugh cause it makes me think of the movie The Ugly Truth. I'm not actually sure how I feel about this because no one has ever tried to feed me that I remember. Or if they have, I guess that means I'm indifferent to it.

I can't think of any other comments I want to make, but I highly recommend these two articles. They super funny. Particularly the YouTube video of the JumboTron proposal.

Friday, October 1, 2010

They Say "A Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed"

"Ask and ye shall receive"

I've always struggled with that thought, though it makes perfect sense. I am almost completely incapable of saying no to a person unless their request is highly unreasonable. And once I've gotten used to a person's wants and needs, I'm able to anticipate them and they have to ask for things less and less. I think that works out pretty well usually.

I have always had trouble asking for things myself, in spite of knowing how well that can work out. When it comes to asking for help from my family, I always feel bad like I should be able to handle things on my own. When it comes to friends, I feel like I'm being needy and taking advantage of the friendship. And when it comes to relationships, I feel like I'm making the guy be someone he's not. I think all of these things when I need/want something, hardly ever when it's someone else doing the asking.

Since I've recovered from my doldrums, I've been back on the road to continual self-improvement. I decided this week my project is to focus on my intuition and to get over myself and learn to ask for what I want. I may or may not write about focusing on my intuition. I'm more interested in the results of asking for what I want.

I am the type of person who likes to spend time with the guy I'm interested in. Some people don't need a lot of face time. I'm not one of those people. I find myself eventually frustrated because I'm not spending enough time with whatever guy holds my fancy at the moment. Top is always asking me if I've expressed to the guy that I'm not satisfied. The answer is usually yes, but it never fixes the problem. I thought guys were the planners and when they saw a problem, they fixed it. Maybe that's true, but just not with my problems. I decided to do things differently this time.

I expressed that I wanted/needed to spend more time together. I didn't wait until I was frustrated. That way, it was more of a casual request that something that had an ultimatum feeling in it. And it seems to have worked out well. Who knew that if you stopped doing the same thing, you'd stop getting the same result? And it wasn't the end of the world to ask something of someone. And I don't feel like I'm asking him to be something he's not.

Now, I'm looking at who else I can ask for something. One change in behavior doesn't add up to a changed personality trait. Perhaps I'll make a special request of my friends to come to my birthday party. Instead of reducing the importance of them being there, I should admit it really kind of matters to me and that I truly want them there. I just have to figure out how to ask in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm being needy.
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