My First Blogger Award!

Today, I received my first ever blog award!

Because I have won this award, I now have to tell you 8 things about myself that you may or may not know, depending on how long you've read my blog.

1. I used to be a medical student, but I left because I didn't want to be a doctor. People don't just leave medical school, so I made a huge splash with my people when I did that.

2. My first real adult relationship ended because my boyfriend died in a car crash.

3. My current relationship is amazing. I'm so in love in a way I always hoped I'd be, but never really thought possible for me.

4. My favorite colors are orange, pink, and periwinkle. My favorite colors also change, except orange, which has stuck around for well over a decade.

5.  I keep grocery bags. They just pile up in a kitchen cabinet, and never get thrown away.

6. I don't recycle. It's actually really hard to recycle in Chicago.

7. I am kind of obsessed with being healthy. Actually, I'm obsessed with doing things in moderation and not getting diabetes or high blood pressure or gout or arthritis or heart disease or kidney disease or lung disease when I"m older.

8. I love men's ties. I wish menswear would never go out of style. I own like five or six ties that I bought from the men's department at Macy's over the years. I buy a new one every time the style cycles back into trendiness.


I received this award from Kirsty over at Kirsty Girl. It was her first ever award too. I'm including one of her first paragraphs from one of her first posts to help you get to know her and her nesting blog.

This is my place to tell you all a little something of my ideas for my soon to be home! My style, my ideas, my thoughts, my projects, my way! And hopefully it can be a place to find inspiration off my readers too!

So, in my style of shameless promotion, check her out. Her blog is great. And she has a sign-up for a linky party too, where you can find new and interesting blogs.


Speaking of shameless promotion, I also have to pick 8 people to give the award to. Eight seems like a lot. But I'm going to do it. Disclaimer: I'm not checking to make sure these people haven't already won this award, I'm just giving them to bloggers whose style of blogging or actual style I love.

#1 P at *Insert My Blog Name Here*. I love her blog's design and she's always writing things that make me smile, laugh, or commiserate.

#2 Erin at 24 and Married - In The Midwest. Her posts are great and a mix of married life, plus interesting tidbits about health, life and family.

#3 Celebrations at Home. This blog has more than one contributor, so this award goes to all of you. This blog has great style. Seriously, almost any theme you can think of for any at-home party, they've got you covered with great suggestions.

#4 Pam at For The Love Of Cooking. She always has great recipes and the pictures look so yummy, you will be dying to try the recipes out.

#5 McKenna at Kissing Frogs. Her blog design is fabulous and you're bound to get caught up in her stories of navigating the frogs to find her prince.

#6 Whitney at Live In The Harvey Household. Her blog is cute, plus she's decorating her house room by room. Trust me, this girl has style.

#7 Rachel at The Thoughts and Travels of Rachel Cotterill. She travels a lot and then she always posts great photos of where she goes. Plus she's a writer, so the blog posts in between travels are always great too.

#8 SilverNeurotic at The Quarter Life Crisis. I love her blog. If you're in your mid-20s, this blog will feel like she's writing about all the things that happen in your life.

Things That Used To Matter So Much

I was having a text conversation with Lion recently, and he brought up a very interesting point. Some things that used to matter so much are usually looked back on in the memory as not nearly as important.


Take, for instance, our senior year as undergraduates. Our Chemistry department had what was called "Seminar". Each student had to give a seminar on a topic of chemistry. The professors would come if they felt like it. Friends and classmates would come to support, or see the impending massacre, and then it began.


A harmless presentation, meant to show one's expertise in some corner of Chemistry, followed by an assault on that knowledge. Those who picked topics in Biochemistry were screwed because it seemed that every Biochem professor showed up on that day. How serious was this? Well you needed a passing grade on your seminar to graduate. Some people didn't graduate. Grad school, leaving Tallahassee, getting a real job, all delayed because of some arbitrary assignment placed dangerously near the end of one's last semester of school.


So of course, when Lion and I discussed it, we didn't remember it at all as being worthy of such seriousness. He and I both aced our seminars. But we were sort of the darlings of the department. We had professors lined up to help. One helped make the seminar, another listened for content, another listened for style. But the time we got to the day, we were good.


I picked Analytical Chemistry because the only professors who taught it loved me and knew I was supposed to start med school that fall. For Lion, he picked Biochemistry. Some thought he was foolish, but I knew better. It was the Biochem professors who loved him the most (he just didn't get Analytical Chemistry), plus he was good at Biochemistry. Like really good. And he didn't want to have to learn new stuff he'd managed not to learn yet.


The days of our seminars arrived and I gotta be honest, the only thing I remember is Lion screwing up one question about Eastern blots. And if you know what I mean by that, you are my favorite blog reader. But our seminars went waaaaay better than some of our other classmates. That type of success would make one forget how serious something once seemed. Even after ours were done, it still felt so serious for the other people. I wonder how those people (especially those who didn't do well) feel about the seminar. I wonder does time heal all wounds. And now, a list!


10 Reasons Things Seem Less Serious After The Fact

1. You got through it with no major (or minor) disasters.
2. People keep telling you how great things went, over time replacing your memory of how it went.
3. Because something was scary, you tried harder and got an undeniably better result.
4. Even if it was bad for you, it was worse for someone else, so by comparison...
5. You had a great support system that you unfortunately undervalued at the time.
6. You had something big riding on it and those standing in your way were more inclined to not make your life hell.
7. You always trump things up in your head. Upon review, it wasn't that serious.
8. You let the failure of those before you (no matter how unprepared they may have been) scare you.
9. Herd mentality. Everyone says it's serious, it must be.
10. Faulty memory. It's why women with low pain tolerances have multiple children. Your memory (or lack thereof) is soothing you into a false sense of comfort.

Any other reasons I missed?

Happy New Year

Looking back on the last year, things have really changed a lot for me.

This time last year, I was still a medical student.

The idea of actually leaving medical school was just something I joked about with Bad and Lion.

This time last year, I was in New York City, getting ready to spend a fabulous New Year's Eve in Harlem with Top.

She had just moved to NYC and hadn't even found a job in her career path yet.

My brother still wasn't engaged and we were starting to joke that we hoped his girlfriend wouldn't give up on him.

I was still weighing the idea of letting my hair lock up. It's such a commitment to grow dreadlocks; I wasn't sure I could do it.

I was full swing in an involvement with a guy that just didn't have room for me in his life.

Bad was  contemplating if he and Jordan were really serious enough to move in together.

Noni had only recently found out she was pregnant this time last year.

Everything was just so different.

I can only imagine the things I'll be pointing out as completely different this time next year.

Have a good new year's eve blogosphere!

Feeling Like I'm Starting From Scratch

I wrote a series of posts a short while ago about what I've learned about myself this summer. Now that summer is coming to an end, upon further reflection, I feel like I've taken steps back. It's just on reflection of the things that matter to me about my life, not in any real order.

Family: I have a non-existent relationship with a number of family members, but I don't even want to get into that. But as far as my parents go, there's always this juxtaposition of our two relationships. There's the first part where we hang out all the time and enjoy each other's company. Then there's the other side where they know absolutely nothing about my life right now. They could probably tell you who my friends are. But they can't tell you what man I'm interested in. They don't know my career goals. They don't know what jobs I've been applying for. They probably think I haven't been applying for jobs. I think it sucks, but I don't know how to make them care about something they feel so unhappy about.

Friends: I'm back to ground zero. Yes, I've been working on strengthening friendships this summer. But now that September is here, it just feels like no progress. Top, Lion, and Noni all live in different states and are kept pretty busy between work/school/romance. Bad has been busy with Jordan since she moved to Chicago, and Sonny is always busy with Cher since they got engaged. Michelle has gone back to school, Camille has started law school, and Gloria is always busy with her boyfriend and/or son. I literally have no one I can call up when I feel like hanging out. Which leads me to my other concerns for myself during this self-pity-party.

Career: I wish I had a career to be concerned about so I would be busy too and it wouldn't matter that my friends and family don't have the time to be concerned about me at a moment's notice. I had a career and I walked away from it. Every time I think about it, I still feel like it was the best decision ever. It's just really frustrating that I can't find a job. I've been applying for all types of jobs, in my exact career path and out. It's harder than I thought to find a research job. I figure it must just be that I am not looking in the right places. But all I can do is keep putting in the work to make it happen.

Romance: I don't even wanna think about all the ways my love life has gone wrong in the last number of years. I want to have someone I can go on dates with, watch movies with, try new things with. I want that to be a person I like kissing who doesn't have any limitations on our potential. But unfortunately, I can't get Easy out of my head. So for now I'm screwed. But I can at least count on my tendency to not keep feelings for a person. The only difference this time is I haven't had the desire to distract myself with the company of another man. But I'm sure that will come with time. I have these moments where I don't want anyone else, but they never last. I will be fine soon based on my past.

Myself: Who I am as a person is not an accident. I make a point of being myself, but I do make edits as necessary to be a better person when the occasion strikes me. But I'm having a problem right now because I can't think of anything I want to change. I know of some flaws, some pretty big ones. I'm hyper-critical. I curse too much. I'm too rigid about things I don't have enough experience with. I sleep too much. But am I going to change these things? I'm just a bit concerned that I don't feel the need for self-improvement, I always feel that need.

I just feel off lately and I don't know how to fix it. It's just not like me to be aware of so many problems and not know (or have the desire) to fix it. But, I never stay down for long, it's one of my favorite things about myself. So I will just wait for the doldrums to go away. Did I use that word correctly? Doldrums?

Taking A Trip To St. Louis This Week

I've mentioned this man, Easy, in recent blog posts. I think I may have mentioned the basics, but in case, here they are again. I met him at a wedding for this girl I grew up with at church. We hit it off at the reception and started hanging out a lot. He seemed like a fun guy, and we always had so much fun together. Somewhere along the line it hits me that I'm really kind of into him. Into him enough where I don't want anyone else. Not even PT, The man I've been stressing over for the last 10 months. Yes, this guy I'd known for 6 weeks, pushed aside one I'd known for almost a year. What can I say, it happens. I've been so frustrated with PT, I had basically decided I was giving him til Halloween or until I found someone I liked better before officially moving on. And as soon as I get my Disney Princess DVDs back, that's exactly what I'll do.

Just as I'm realizing I'm into him and I'll probably stop seeing other people cause I'm just not that into them, he announces that this other woman he was dating expressed an interest in them being exclusive. He said he didn't know what he was going to do, but he didn't want to lose me as a friend, no matter what happened. I expressed how that wasn't really an option. He decided to take some space (from me and her, oh and his ex-girlfriend he'd only been broken up with for four months after five years of togetherness) to figure out exactly what he wanted. That didn't go so well. He still ended up calling me the very next day and we continued to hang out as if nothing had changed. Then he was having trouble finding work for this coming school year (he's a music teacher), but had a possible job opportunity in St. Louis. He ended up getting the job, but didn't find out until about 10 days before school started and 2 days before he was going on a week-long vacation.

Right before he left to move to St. Louis, he expressed a desire for space to "settle into his new life". That sucked especially hard because I had decided during the course of his week-long awayness on vacation that I didn't care that he was moving away. I was going to forgo my immediate aversion to long-distance anythings and be a rebel and we would make our own rules because I still wanted him in my life. But, just like before it didn't go so well. I ended up talking to him four times this first week of school, which was last week. Then I called Easy on Saturday to find out if he was feeling better about being in St. Louis not that he was a week in. He said he was glad I called because he was about to call me to tell me he was in town. He wanted to know what I was doing because he wanted to see me. Also, he wanted me to go back with him to St. Louis to have a visit this coming week. Easy said he no longer felt like he needed space, but that he felt like he didn't need the space to still be able to settle in. I was happy to hear all that he had to say and made my way over there after I finished my other activities (church's annual picnic and then Michelle and I saw Camille off to her gala ball with Malik).

I decided I wasn't going to drive back to St. Louis with him because today was my church's 96th anniversary. But I would drive down tomorrow. Plus, I'll get to see my best friend Lion who I haven't seen since before he took Step 1 and finished his second year of med school. Then tonight, Easy calls me and says, "we have to talk. There's something I have to tell him." I reminded him he wasn't allowed to give me any bad news for at least a couple of weeks. After assuring me it wasn't bad news, he tells me he's been feeling pretty bad about the idea of pre-marital sex and how it goes against his Bible. Don't get me wrong, his Bible is my Bible, we've just come to different conclusions on the matter. I've ended relationships before on this subject. I hate limitations of any kind. I had such a bad reaction to it, he thought I was ending things right there and said, "I guess you won't be coming to St. Louis now. I won't have any hard feelings if this is something that is that big to you." I realized I had to take a step back. I told him I would think on it tonight and we'd discuss it tomorrow. I still intend on going to visit him in St. Louis, and I'll do it without trying to seduce him. But how many curve balls can one woman in take in such a short period of time?

I like Easy a lot, but this has been such a tumultuous experience. I'm starting to question the wisdom of having any involvement with a person this mixed up who hasn't yet settled on who he is. There's so many ways that it can go wrong. If he lands in the wrong spot, I'm gonna be left hanging in the wind. But I am kind of feeling him. So until that changes, I guess I'll just hang on, I did always say I like roller coasters.

Two Crazy Stories: Boats & Ho's... & Golddiggers

This summer I've written posts on this blog and my blog about my friends' love lives, I've talked a bit about character traits I feel will work better for me at this stage of my adult life. These two stories help illustrate some of that.

Story One. A post I wrote said, I'm not spontaneous, I'm just a go-with-the-flow-hedonist. As I'm getting closer to my friends from my teenage years at church, we're getting to know each other as adults. We're almost all the same people with a bit of changes here and there. I don't know that they think I'm easy-going (in fact I rather doubt it, that's just not me), but spontaneous could describe me by some definitions. Whenever something is suggested, I'm down to try it. Last minute plans? I'm in. Change of plans at the last minute? No problem, I'll drive or I call shotgun.

But I'm not spontaneous, I'm a hedonist. Part of me loves trying new things and loves doing something I didn't think I'd be doing when I woke up that morning. The other part doesn't like walking into situations I can't predict the outcome of. For example, deciding around 9 pm on a Monday to go to a club  that night is something I would be totally into. Deciding at 9 pm on a Thursday to get on some guy's boat who I'd met two hours previous, not so much. Anyone see the difference? One involves dancing and drinking with my friends. The other involves a likely possibly dangerous situation.

When Michelle and I went to the beach last week, that boat thing happened. A friend of hers (and her counsins) from school decided she was getting on this boat with this man. Her reasoning was somewhere along the lines of "oooh, he's got a boat, he must have money." My response was, "we don't know him. He's probably a raper-man. I get that vibe, and I trust my reads of people." I wasn't driving, so unless I wanted to sit in a hot ass car for an hour by myself (which will be my choice should this happen again), so I was on the boat too trying to appear as unfriendly and likely-to-call-the-cops as possible. We were on the boat for about five minutes when Michelle asked him what he did for a living. He said, "I'm a professional rapist." He was joking. That shit wasn't funny. We told her friend that her dreams of going on out the boat that night (in the dark) weren't happening and we were leaving and she'd be wise to join us. On the way home, one of Michelle's twin cousins (who shall hereafter be called Thing 1 and Thing 2) discussed the boat. Thing 2 (or Chocolate Thunda!) was with us in the confusion of how the hell we ended up on that boat. Thing 1 expressed that he was a nice man and she intended to go back on the boat and out on the water. I'm not saying I think she's crazy. I think that other friend who's idea it was to get on the boat in the first place is a boat booty. A boat booty is a car booty for boats. I suspect she's also a car booty. The point is, it will be a long time before I take her suggestion on anything. Seriously, anything: evening activities, grocery items, bible verses. It's that serious. Moving on to my next story.

Story Two. I wrote a post on this blog about my desire to not let what my parents want for me to so heavily influence the choices I make in my life. I think I've decided that just in time. My mother came into my room last night and asked what I was doing Thursday. I told her Michelle and I were going back to the beach (without that friend who's advice I'll never ever take) and then we were heading to church for a meeting with one of the teen groups we work with. She gave me a look that indicated my plans weren't nearly as important as what she had in mind. A friend of hers possibly has tickets to some Foundation thing Dwayne Wade is hosting. Even though I changed my look from one of interest to one of slight judgement complete blankness, she still kept talking. She said we should go to this party. There will be sooo many eligible bachelors of the sports persuasion there. This is when I know my mother has lost her marbles. With a few exceptions, I avoid athletes like the damn plague. And each level higher just makes things worse. I can deal with someone who used to (operative word used) play high school, collegiate, and/or minor league sports, but damnit, not professional sports.

But my mother wasn't done. She went on to say that her and my friend Top's mom and her had been discussing that if Top wasn't going to law school and if I wasn't finishing medical school, then we needed something else. What was that thing? Rich husbands. I made one joke about a starter husband who was rich and could help me pay down my school loans... two year ago! Apparently, it stuck in my mother's and Top's mother's head. They have decided we must marry well if they can't count on us to do what we're supposed to do career-wise. As my disbelief grew that she could actually be serious, my mother said she'd let me know for sure on Wednesday (today) if her friend was going to bring us to the party. I tried to give her a look, any look, saying something other than, "I think you're batshit crazy." But, this is my first opportunity to make a decision based on something other than what my mother wants. I can let her know I have no desire to rub elbows with 6'5", likely uneducated, hardly ever attractive, athletes and their hangers-on. I wonder how she'll take the news.

Topic #4: I Learned More About Who I Wanted To Be As An Adult

I wrote a post recently about my summer. I have a 4-topic series about the highlights of the summer. You can read the post that leads to these four posts here. Read Topic #1. Read Topic #2. Read Topic #3.

A big part of who I am is based on how I was raised. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that it is a bigger part of who I am than most people. Every major decision is weighed heavily based on a bit of what I want and a lot of what my parents, family, and close friends would expect/want. I'm starting to really resent that quality in myself.

The decision to withdraw from medical school was a particularly painful one. This wasn't because of any regret or hesitancy on my part, it was from the years ahead I knew I could count on. Things such as dealing with my mother's bitter comments about wasting my time/life. My father's off-color jokes about me being a drop-out is something else I knew I could count on. Oh and the long-term doozy: my future children asking why grandma told her I threw my life away and was consequently not as large of a success as my potential suggested I should be (yes, my children will use words like that, it's inevitable). That was probably the biggest cause of my hesitation in leaving school.

I'm not a fan of how I end up choosing men either. I blame my mother, my father, and my judge-y friends. That's so not true, I blame myself for my reactions to them. My mother has the world's highest standards for men for me. I would love her standards to sit somewhere around "treats me right" and "is a good person". But no, they're more like, "from a good family, very good looking, funny, smart, driven, strong Christian man, perfect in every way, second only to the Messiah, chiseled Greek athlete figure, best features ever to pass on to her grandchildren, excellent medical and dental history". And my father hates every guy as well he should. But occasionally, he'll hate one less than the others and then he gets sooooo invested in said dude that I feel compelled to never ever bring him up because I don't need to see my Daddy plotting out a marriage that will likely never happen. And as far as my judge-y friends, I specifically surround myself with that type of person because it amuses me and keeps me honest. It's just always a bit taxing to be discussing the latest guy with one of my friends and to get their opinion of him based on if they were dating him. We all lead such different love lives and make such different choices when it comes to the opposite sex, why would they think we'd approach anything romantic the same way? I don't know.

But what I do know is that I'm kind of over letting what those close to me will think have such a big effect on my life and the choices I'll make. I don't want to feel like I'm not being me. Being the best version of myself should be based on who I really am and what I seek to improve about myself.

That being said, I'm so over the disappointment I'm sure to be to my parents. I'm going to redouble my efforts to work towards my dream that I worked out for myself. I will take my mother's horrible career suggestions in stride and let them float away like so many feathers. And I will make my own decisions about men. First decision: I'm so over PT. He had serious potential and he's exactly the type of guy I've always wanted for myself (based mostly on what others wanted for me). But a part of me has always admitted to myself (thought to no one else) that there was something missing, and I didn't really put my finger on it until I met Easy. Easy may or may not be the guy for me (things like that are never based solely on one of the two people involved), but he has reminded me of something I've long forgotten. The best resume in the world can't make up for depth of feeling, emotional connection, and common-ness of spirit. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to finally realize what it is I'm looking for. And it's not someone who has a great career so they can be one half of my dream power couple. It's someone who I connect with on a deeper level. I could explain further because "a deeper level" is incredibly vague and cliche. But I'll just keep my understanding to myself. I get it and I don't need anyone coming along with their opinions and mucking it up.

So, in a nutshell, two of my biggest priorities in life, my romantic life and my career, and shifting gears so as to focus on what I know is right for me, in spite of whatever someone else thinks/wants for me.

Topic #2: I Moved From Rockford To Chicago

I wrote a post recently about my summer. I have a 4-topic series about the highlights of the summer. You can read the post that leads to these four posts here. You can read Topic #1 here.

I've been talking on this blog about me making the decision to withdraw from medical school. I had a plan for what I wanted to do next: clinical research or laboratory research. I've gone to job fairs and have been applying endlessly online. I've asked people if they know who's hiring. It's been quite the journey to my current situation of frustrating joblessness. I knew this could happen. I left school in the middle of a recession. I knew the risk I was taking. So I can deal with it.

One other aspect of leaving school and looking for work is there was no need for me to be in Rockford any longer. I didn't like it there. It taught me something about myself. I can live in a big city or a small (college) town, but I cannot live in a small city. Rockford had a real downtown that hardly ever had anything going on. The nightlife was reasonable, but didn't have the energy that a college town provides. I was so happy at the prospect of getting out of there.

Since I haven't gotten a job, I don't have the means to live alone, so I've moved back into my parents' place. I had to organize a whole moving day to get out of there. I have a lot of stuff, so it was a big trip. Luckily my friends, Sonny, Cher, Michelle, and another friend from church who hasn't been given a name yet in this blog.

So my parents, friends, and I got all my stuff from Rockford to a Public Storage spot outside the city. I pray to God my stuff sits there no longer than a year. I'd love it if I had a job a money saved up to get a place just in time for Michelle to graduate from college so we can get a place together. Melody mentioned yesterday that she and I should get a place together. She'd be an interesting third roommate for Michelle and I because she's still in school. But it may not be the best thing because she is the Ex's little sister. And if he comes to visit her, that would mean he'd need to go to her house, which would be my house. That shit is not okay. But it's an idea. I'm excited to see where I'll be a year from now and who I'll be living with. Let's face it, even though I'd love to live alone, it's really not an option if I want to stay in Chicago.

My 100th Post!

I'm so excited that this is my 100th post! Even though I've been MIA, I'm starting to see that's kind of normal for the summer. I've been going through a lot lately. I'm moving from Rockford officially tomorrow morning.

There's a part of me that's freaking out because after tomorrow, I have no more escape if I want to run from my parents' house. I knew when I left medical school that this could end up happening. I was just really hoping to avoid it.

But I am trying to be hopeful for the future. I'm still applying for jobs. I'm pretty convinced I want to try and stay in Chicago, for now. So that means the volunteer work I've been thinking about I can actually start undertaking. I guess we'll see how that turns out. But it would be nice to build a life for myself that involves more than applying for jobs everyday.

I finally packed up the complete last of my stuff in Rockford yesterday around 4:30 pm. I was wondering how I would feel about it. The only thing I felt is that I was so close to finally waking up from a bad dream. Not that I feel all of med school was a bad dream. I just feel that way. Once August 1st arrives, I'll be awake again. I'll be gauging my feelings on Sunday to see if I still feel that way.

Friends & Family Fridays: A Long-Time Friends Is Becoming A Close Friend

***So this is Friends & Family Friday!! This is my day to talk more about my friends and family (aside from sharing waaay too much about their love lives on my other blog). My friends and family are lovely people, that much I know for sure. Have fun getting to know them through my eyes.***

This post is about a friend of mine I grew up with. My family moved into our house in 1990. She and her older sister lived next door to me. We grew up together with pretty strict parents, so we pretty much had just the three of us to play with. We learned to ride bikes, jump rope, and got into mischief together.

As we grew up, we were always cool, but never really close. Part of it is the age gap. We are almost exactly three years apart. Not a big deal when you're small children, or when you're adults, but in the in-between teenage years, it feels like a lot.

Since I've been out of medical school, we've been hanging out more. I've reconnected with my whole group of girls from church I hung out with during my teenage years, but this girl more in particular. We'll call her Michelle in my blogs. But she is my girl now! And she's one of the only people I hang out with on a regular basis that I could truly bring around any of my friends and know she would be cool. That's a huge bonus in my book.

She is the only person I can see myself living with. About the time I should have the money to move out of my parents' house will be right when she graduates from college. I know I'm going to need a roommate, but Michelle is about the only one I think I could tolerate for a year or more. We're the same in a lot of ways and we always have fun together. I've been looking for real adult friends who live near me who I can just chill with. Looks like Michelle is a viable option. It's good to have friends for a long time, but it's also a good idea to take a second look to see if there can be more to a casual friendship.

In My 20s Tuesday + Post-It Notes: Still On The Job Hunt

I know I've been super MIA. These things happen, especially in the summer time. My biggest reason for being absent is issues with my laptop. I can't get it to charge. But I've convince my mother to let me make use of hers for a couple weeks til I can figure something out. So hopefully, I'm actually back in action now! I've missed the blogosphere and look forward to catching up on everyone else's blogs as well.

***In My 20s Tuesday is all about things that should matter (maybe) to someone in their 20s. It's about life as we head into real adulthood. It's about laying the groundwork for a life: starting a career, setting up a home, starting a life with someone, etc. It's about things that will affect our lives down the road: politics, current events, pop culture, etc. Well, it's not about all those things at once (that'd be near impossible, lol). But hopefully I'll reach someone in their 20s who's looking for someone to feel what they're going through.***

Today's post comes because I still don't have a job. This is not exactly a surprise because everyone knows the situation in the current job market. Also, I chose to leave medical school during graduation season so I'm also competing with those just entering the workforce for the first time.

But things have changed in the last week. Before, I was only applying to jobs that fit my criteria for my career plan. But once June ended, I expanded. I'm now looking for anything that will enhance my skill set for the job I want. So that basically includes anything I'm qualified for in hospital or clinical setting as well and any office/secretarial job. It's kinda of disheartening to move away from my dream. I'm still applying for research jobs, but that's not enough anymore. I hope I hear something soon from anyone. Because of this doesn't work, then starting in August, I'll be applying for literally anything. I'll even do sales associate. There's nothing wrong with that job, I'm just hesitant to do work that doesn't enhance my skill set for my dream career.

But I've also got something else in the works. My pastor and I have been doing research to put together a proposal to get some of the funding allocated in the health care reform law for clinics. My community could really use a strong medical presence. Having my own clinic has always been one of my dreams, and if I could press fast-forward on that while helping the community I grew up in, I would be just as happy as could be!

Also, I've been up to some interesting things in the time since I've paused blogging, hopefully I can get some of that down in future blog posts!

In My 20s Tuesday + Post-It Notes: Are You Really A Grown-Up?

***In My 20s Tuesday is all about things that should matter (maybe) to someone in their 20s. It's about life as we head into real adulthood. It's about laying the groundwork for a life: starting a career, setting up a home, starting a life with someone, etc. It's about things that will affect our lives down the road: politics, current events, pop culture, etc. Well, it's not about all those things at once (that'd be near impossible, lol). But hopefully it will reach someone in their 20s who's looking for someone to feel them and what they're going through.***

I came across a very interesting article on CNN today. It was posted yesterday. It's an article entitled Are You Really A Grown-Up? I had to take a close look at this article and its 10 things you have to do to be a grown-up. Let's see how I measure up.

• Face life's challenges head-on.

I would like to think I do this. I've dealt with the death of my boyfriend. I've dealt with up-rooting my life for a reason hardly anyone else thought was good enough. I (so far) can't imagine backing down from a life-sized challenge.

• Make peace with your body.

I have accepted that I am 5'0". I have accepted that I have fat cheeks. I have accepted that aside from a boost from birth control pills, my breasts aren't going to get larger. Aside from that, I refuse to accept the recent weight gain and therefore am eating better and working out more to fix it. But that's not a crash diet, that is a lifestyle change. I will be such a hot commodity because hardly anyone has a flat stomach anymore.

• Take responsibility for your heart.
I don't think I can claim to have this one taken care of. I often ignore my heart. I guess I just don't trust it to make wise decisions. I've so often regretted the choices I've made based on emotions. I think taking responsibility for your heart means being cognizant of decisions of the heart and accepting all consequences like a grown-up. Yeah... I'm still working on this one.

• Build a meaningful career.
Now that I've sorted out what exactly it is I intend to do with my life, there is much planning and organizing to be done. This one is definitely a work in progress. But I've got the meaningful part down. I just need to get the career part in order. Lord, I need a job!

• Learn how to handle the tough times.
I tend to withdraw into myself when times are tough since I feel I can handle it best alone. I think if I were really doing the grown-up thing, I would learn how to let others help me handle things. This is specific to me, not everyone. I like to have people around and involved in my life, except I shut them out of whatever part isn't going well. If I'm going to be a people person, I think I'd do better to be like that even when I'm not at my cheery best.

• Face your anxieties.
Eh, I sometimes face my anxieties. For instance, bringing up conflict makes me nervous. When someone else brings it up or starts it, I'm all over it. But starting it myself makes me anxious and nervous. I still haven't decided whether or not that's a good thing.

• Take ownership of your finances.
Having a source of income would make this one easier. I do have a pretty good idea of what my working budget would be based on the type of job I want and the type of apartment I want to live in. But that's not the same as actually doing it. I suppose I can claim some ownership since I've already worked out how I'm going to begin to repay my student loans. I only wish I were financially independent. That will come in time, I suppose.

• Master the use of your time.
Nope, never been good at this. I will get lost in a book or in a mall or at a beach and lose my entire day. I tend to work better with strict deadlines. Without them, I work on laissez-faire time, lol. I still get everything done, but I've never felt that I make the most of my times. I wonder if I could change that about myself, would I actually feel more grown-up, or just more stuffy? I suppose it'd be a good skill to learn before I have to balance career, hobbies, family, etc. It would be nice to have good time management when I don't have much to manage.

• Practice dynamic communication.
Listen and respond. Listen and respond. Hitch had it correct when he told his clients to do this. In order to be a good communicator you have to talk and listen. You also have to understand that communication is not just what you say, but how you mean it and how the other person takes it. Without paying attention to all these parts, communication falls apart. Yep, I think I've got this one covered, but like some others, it's still a work in progress to constantly improve my communication skills.

• Find the right level of flexibility.
I think I may be too flexible. But it's usually easier for me to be flexible more so than others. I have the least responsibilities and the most free time. I'd like to think that others would be flexible for me if the situation were reversed. I'm going to say yes for this one.

I think I have about 6 1/2 of these. Not bad. I'm 65% adult, lol. I could be better. How do you measure up?

Science & Medicine Monday: Some People Are Starting To See It Isn't The End Of The World If I'm Not A Doctor

This blog post is dedicated to Science & Medicine. That may include important medical and/or scientific knowledge and developments. It may just be about my life on the path to becoming a research scientist. Whatever it entails, I hope it's not too dull, lol. If you have any medical questions or suggestions of what to write about, let me know and I'll do it in an upcoming Science & Medicine Monday posting!

Church yesterday was quite interesting. I've always thought of my church as kind of gossip-y. But a good number of people asked me how school was going. And so, I had to tell a good number of people that I had withdrawn from medical school and had plans to become a research scientist instead.

My hiding out in Children's Church by volunteering there was of some use because at least I didn't have to deal with talking with everyone until after church was over. The church people I had to tell all had similar reactions: slight disappointment followed very quickly by support. And they also almost all had a bit of spite towards people who had reacted so poorly that I found myself bracing for a negative reaction. I might as well have said, "I'm not going to be a medical doctor. It's not because I can't, it's because I won't" Then turned around and bent over to wait for what would happen next.

I haven't become gun-shy about telling people, I've just become more weary about it. But I really appreciated the outpouring of support from some people.

As far as my church goes, there are now two distinct groups of people who know for a fact I'm no longer in medical school: those who were told by me and my brother and those who were told by my parents. The ones who were told by me and my brother all have reasonable questions including: Why? How? When? What next? Those who were told by my parents don't have questions, they just have judgements.

This leads me to wonder what the hell my parents have been telling people. But I guess it's more their problem than mine. My father called me a drop out again today. I didn't even bother to correct him. I just walked away.

It's just so weird to have this dichotomy in our relationship right now. Part of the time we're a normal parents-daughter group with an affable and easy relationship. The other part is tension-filled with the bitterness about not understanding the other's side constantly growing.

The way I see it, they didn't get over my brother not finishing college until he became a minister and went to seminary school. So I don't expect they'll really get over this until I either give them grandchildren or get a PhD, whichever comes first.

Killing Two Birds With One Stone

So, I think I mention it often enough, but for anybody new to this blog, I've recently withdrawn from medical school because I no longer want to be a doctor. It wasn't a matter of I couldn't do it. It was a matter of I didn't want to do it anymore. I've decided I'm going to try and be a research scientist in clinical medicine. It's one thing I picked up in medical school that I want to hold onto.

That being said, people in my life have had mixed reactions to this. Today is Sunday and that means I'm going to church to hear, for the third week in a row from people who are just finding out what I've done, how disappointed they are in me. People who became so emotionally invested in my future they can't even bother to ask how I feel about it or what my plans are for my future or why I even made the decision. It's funny to me because I didn't realize people were so invested. Where were the signs of this investment? I didn't get any help with tuition, I didn't get any care packages stuffed with cookies and sweet notes, and I didn't get anything else one could imagine except people prematurely calling me doctor. I guess I showed them...

So, how am I killing two birds with one stone? It unfortunately doesn't involve causing these people who don't seem to be concerned for me bodily harm. Nope, I'm instead making myself more productive whilst avoiding my fellow church members.

A close family friend who runs the Children's Church has asked me to become a full-time volunteer. I'm more than happy to oblige because I get to do more volunteering and helping out, which I love. And I get to avoid the main church sanctuary. I don't know if she'll want me there every week, but I know at least tomorrow, I'll have a reprieve from hearing what a disappointment I am.

TMI Thursday!!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

This week's TMI is about when I was seeing my TA. I wanted it to be a secret since it was above-and-beyond frowned upon to do such a thing. He would've gotten into more trouble than me, but still, I didn't want my classmates to know.

 

There was a big party fundraiser that almost everyone from school went to. He and I flirted during the party and as we got more drunk, the flirting got more obvious. We were doing okay until the after party. I pride myself on not being too much into PDA (I've mentioned before how I make allowances for PT) even when I'm drunk, but for some reason I just wasn't focusing on that fact.

 

Someone brought along jello shots. And he and I both took one. Then he grabbed a handful of my hair (I forget how often that happens, hehe), pulled my head back and kissed me. I only had about a half-second pause before joined in the kiss. But after we stopped kissing, it occurred to me that we were standing in the middle of the living room in a house filled with our classmates!

 

His solution to the problem was to go downstairs to the host's bedroom. I agreed and we saw the room was already full with a group of students 1 week from graduation who were smoking weed. I didn't even know these people smoked. They offered to us and we both declined. But then we started making out on the bed. I guess I reasoned that it didn't matter if these people saw because they were gonna be gone in 7 days so they barely counted as schoolmates. And my class was particularly anti-social, so they didn't even know any of them to tell.

 
Did I mention I was wearing bright red lipstick that showed up very clearly on his skin/neck/chin/forehead/cheek? Did I mention that it was a costume party so I was already half-naked to begin with (I was Foxy Cleopatra from the Austin Powers movie)? Did I mention that the people in the room started discussing what we were doing with each other? Did mention that the host of the after party came into the room and got pissed because he had been asking me out and I had kept refusing? Did I mention that we ended up leaving the party together and did a very bad job of pretending we weren't leaving together even though we were in separate cars? Maybe I shouldn't mention that because it's TMI!!

Medical Mondays

This blog post is dedicated to Medicine. That may include important medical knowledge and developments. It may just be about my life on the path to medicine. Whatever it entails, I hope it's not too dull, lol. If you have any medical questions or suggestions of what to write about, let me know and I'll do it in an upcoming Medical Mondays posting!

Today's post is about the big change I've made in my life that I've been referencing the last couple of days. I walked into the Dean of Medical Education's office today and informed her that I wanted to withdraw from medical school. I decided I was definitely going to do this last Thursday. I waited until today because I wanted to give myself time to let the important people in my life know and lt them try and talk me out of it.

I figured if they could come up with something I hadn't considered, I'd still have time to change my mind. Today was a pretty big test, the first in a long line of tests that wouldn't have been done for me until June 14th. I knew now was the time to get out because I didn't want that stress on me if I was sure I was done being a medical student. Also, there was a time crunch financially. They have given us more money for the summer. This money would be a part of my 2009-2010 financial aid package. I had about 8 days left to figure out whether or not to add another $16,000 to my loans. I decided now was the time to move if I was going to really do this.

I love medicine. I have a passion for it. But I no longer want to be a practicing physician. I've been feeling something like this for a while, but I finally admitted to myself what was really going on. The biggest issue was feeling like I was going to let everyone down who was so invested in my success. But I've got to do what's right for me. And the people in my life who care about me will hopefully decide that my happiness is what's most important.

The question is what to do now? I've already come up with a pretty good game plan that's up for negotiation as things develop. I'm going to finish out my lease in Rockford then move to Chicago. I'm looking for jobs doing clinical research in the Chicago area. I have just over 6 months before I have to begin paying back my loans, and I intend to get a loan repayment readjustment to match my income, whatever that will be. I'm also going to look for part time work with a nonprofit that will allow me to run a program, hopefully with children, where I would be using the medical knowledge I've learned so far. I will also be picking back up some of my hobbies. And as soon as I'm back in Chicago, I'm going to look into getting involved with Big Brother Big Sister.

I still have the ultimate goals of starting my scholarship and starting my free clinic. The difference will be how I'll be working within them now. I'm excited about the possibilities ahead, but also kind of terrified. I've just changed a path for my life that I set out on 10 years ago that had me covered for the next 10 years. But things are different now. What I'm doing takes courage, and a little bit of screw-the-world-ness. But I'm doing it. And since I've made this decision, I've felt lighter and more like me.

I sometimes wish I were one of those people who could talk about things before they're already settled in my mind. It would've helped the people in my life not feel blindsided. But I couldn't do that. I would've felt weak if they knew what I was considering and then changed my mind and decided to stay. That's just the way I work. I had to work it all out in my head first. So, it is what it is. I've made this decision to enter a job market that's unstable at best, but now was the time. I had to do it. Here's looking to the future!

Medical Mondays

This is my first ever Medical Mondays post so I hope it goes well!!

This blog post is dedicated to Medicine. That may include important medical knowledge and developments. It may just be about my life on the path to medicine. Whatever it entails, I hope it's not too dull, lol. If you have any medical questions or suggestions of what to write about, let me know and I'll do it in an upcoming Medical Mondays posting!

So, today's post is about outreach to minorities in medicine. There are so few minorities in medicine. The only minority who seems to be accounting for more than their population percentage is Asians, and that's only because they lump all Asians in together. But I think it's really a shame that when the M4s (fourth year medical students) graduate from U of I Rockford this year, there will only be 2.5 black people left as students in the school. And no black males. I know those dismal statistics don't apply everywhere. The Chicago campus actually has a nice number of black people. But it's a problem that occurs more often than people notice.

Americans are really good at setting up confirmation biases in their heads. They see Isaiah Washington on Grey's Anatomy, Omar Epps on House, and Hill Harper on CSI: NY, and all of a sudden people think black doctors are everywhere, especially black males. It's just not true. Think about it. How many black doctors do you personally know? Unless you work in a hospital in an urban area, I'm guessing less than 3. Probably closer to zero.

This problem doesn't affect just black people. That's just my focus cause I'm black. It's really a problem. But the bigger problem is there are no easy solutions. Affirmative Action can't fix this one. Even if we magically got more minorities into med school, there's no guarantee they even have the tools to get through. So what can be done? I wish I knew. If I had the answer to that, I'd be getting an MPH (Master's in Public Health) or and MHA (Master's in Hospital Administration) instead of an MD. But it'sjust a problem that I feel should have attention drawn to it.

Maybe someone out there somewhere has the tools to come up with a solution, but they weren't aware there was a problem. I look forward to the days when the makeup of the medical profession is actually comparable to makeup of this country.

Forgetting What I Wanted to Blog About

I was driving to class today and I had the most awesome idea for today's blog. In fact, I had two awesome ideas... The problem is I don't remember them now... Sigh. This has happened to me before. My life isn't particularly eventful, but stuff happens in the world around me, to my friends and family, and even sometimes to me. I like to blog about it. But sometimes, the inspiration hits me when Im not sitting right in front of my laptop and the inspiration floats away like Tim Burton's Cheshire Cat ( I know he didn't create the cat, but he is responsible for its latest incarnation). So then I'm stuck with trying to remember what witty wonderful thing I wanted to share with the blogosphere.

It's not like I couldn't have taken note of it in some way. I am a text-while-driving kind of girl. I'm an everything while driving kind of girl: eating, talking ont he phone, adjusting the radio, sexual physical activity, but I digress. But I was too busy e-mailing Top about why she is truly for real done with Jack.  They had a talk and he felt they might be too different to work things out. She took that as he wasn't as serious about her and he had led her to believe and she told him he shouldn't be throwing around the word love if he wasn't going to back it up. So, while I was thinking about my lovely blog idea, I neglected to use any of the tools at my disposal to make a note of it.

And I have a lot of tools. My Blackberry has a voice recorder, a note pad, SMS, MMS, and e-mail capabilities. I could've e-mailed myself the idea. But I didn't. I -- it just hit me!!! I knew it would if I was self-deprecating enough to lambaste myself for not remembering. Well, I've remembered one idea. Some of my favorite blogs to read are the ones that have themes for some of the days, like TMI Thursdays. I was thinking I could have that for my blog too, at least my main one. But I need some good ideas for what to do.

Here's what I have so far. Medical Monday. Medicine is a big part of my life and I don't talk about it that much on my blog (lol, so not true). But I could have a day where I showcase it or talk about important things in medicine. I don't know how many people would actually care about that, but I care...

Friends & Family Fridays. I talk a lot about my friends and family. I've even given most of them blogosphere names. But there is more to share and if I had a themed day, I'd probably share more.

But how many themed days are too many? I dunno.

In My 20s Tuesday is another idea. I like talking about things that should matter to people in their twenties. Things about establishing adulthood and starting adult lives, stuff like that. Oh and political and current events things that have a profound effect on our future.

Looks like I've talked my way into some themed days. I'll try them out and see if I like them. But I don't think I need any more than four themed days, it'd be nice to leave some time open just whatever comes to mind. So, I have: Medical Mondays. In My 20s Tuesdays. TMI Thursdays. Friends & Family Fridays. Nice! I think I like this idea!

Easter Weekend With My Family

I just got back from being at home with my family for Easter. It was a pretty enjoyable time. I got to spend some time with PT, I got to hang out with my grandmother, I even had time to head downtown for the banquet for the SNMA conference. I will not bore anyone with all the details, but I will give the summary.

Friday, I get home with plans to go bowling with my parents when they were finished listening to my brother Louie preach at the Seven Last Words Program at his church. But the program ran long and they neglected to tell me. My own parents stood me up! So when PT called to ask what I was doing, I got in my car and went to his place. We had a lovely evening. His daughter has finally moved from Princess and the Frog onto the Squeakuel. I hadn't seen it, but I did see (and like) the first movie. I took the girl I mentor to see it in theaters. So when he told me his daughter has him watch it multiple times in a day, I figured he wouldn't mind watching it again. He didnt.

Saturday was cool. I helped my mom in the kitchen preparing dinner for Sunday. Then I headed downtown to the SNMA conference. I wasn't actually registered for the conference, but my friend got me an extra ticket to the banquet. My alma mater, FAMU, was up for MAPS Chapter of the Year. I was so sad they didn't win.

If you're from Chicago,  you know about Harold's Chicken Shack. I took some FAMU girls there so they could get this famous fried chicken. Then I drove them around the city so they could see the neighborhoods and the skyline. Chicago is such a beautiful city. When I'm looking at how gorgeous and diverse this city is, I really forget my ability to understand how anyone would ever want to live anywhere else.

I'm gonna skip Saturday late night because it ended with police, an ambulance, and a half-naked bleeding girl. Maybe I'll tell the story on TMI Thursday.

Sunday was great. Louie brought Keisha to dinner and our family got to spend some real time with her. It's the first time we've been all together. I think my grandmother shares my opinion of her. She is a perfect match for my brother.

All in all, it was the perfect weekend at home. Lol, not really, but at least it was varied/eventful.

My Friend Is Applying for Biggest Loser 10

Last week, I agreed to help my friend do something. She wouldn't tell me what it was; she just said it would be awesome. I showed up as promised and was surprised to find she wanted my help in making an audition video for her application to the next season of Biggest Loser.

She wants to lose 100+ pounds and she came up with a very fascinating idea for an audition tape. She's creative and an A-typer personality, so there is no way she would make a tape of herself standing there talking for six minutes straight. She decided to make her video partly her talking straight on to camera and party narrating the scenes.

Yes, there are scenes. I'm in them. Anyone who knows me well would know that I do not like the idea of being a YouTube video. Or any video that has the potential to become public. But, I did this because it means a lot to her. The video was fun to make, and in my down time I got to play with one of the M4's daughter. She is a great little kid with a big imagination and I loved refreshing mine. Seriously, if you have little people to entertain, let me know so I can share the new games I've learned.

If you click the title of the article, I've linked the YouTube video. Check it out and see how awesome my friend is!!