Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Weekly Goals Accomplished? Part Four

I had from Sunday to Saturday so hopefully I got everything done! There are fourteen goals in total. This covers 11-14 to 11-20

Family Member Goal: I'm supposed to reach out to a family member I haven't talked to or spent time with in the last month.
Accomplished?: No. I intended to, but never got around to it.

Career Goal: Fill out at least 50 job applications.
Accomplished?: Close, but no cigar.

Career Goal: Do research on grad schools, and on how to acquire a clinic/scholarship program/homeless shelter.
Accomplished?: Um... No.

Career Goal: Have an updated resume by the 10th of this month.
Accomplished?: This was finished by the 11th of this month.

Hobbies (Piano Playing) Goal: Spend at least one hour practicing the piano and/or studying music theory.
Accomplished?: Not a whole hour, but some time was spent.

Hobbies (Reading) Goal: Read at least one book in the last week.
Accomplished?: No, I swear I used to read a lot, I don't know what happened.

Hobbies (Writing) Goal: Work on novel at least once in the last two weeks.
Accomplished?: Haven't done this either.

Hobbies (Gardening) Goal: Work on indoor garden plan at least once in the last week.
Accomplished?: Nope

Hobbies (Yoga) Goal: Go to five yoga classes.
Accomplished?: I didn't make it to any yoga classes this week. I didn't get back til Wednesday night. Honestly I just didn't feel like it Thurs, Fri, or Saturday.

Hobbies (Cooking) Goal: Make one new and one old recipe.
Accomplished?: I did do this. I made a great dinner for Easy and I while I was in St. Louis on Tuesday. The cheesy shells I'd already made. But the chicken with a Chardonnay cream gravy was new.

Hobbies (Cooking) Goal: Write down the recipe for everything I've made in the last week.
Accomplished?: I did do this, just not on time, but it's done now, so that sort of counts.

Hobbies (Travelling) Goal: Leave Chicago once a week, leave Illinois once a month, leave the Midwest once
a season, and leave USA once a year.
Accomplished?: I was outside Chicago and Illinois by being in St. Louis from Sunday to Wednesday. I also left Chicago on Friday to go bowling in Dolton, IL. Still working on leaving the Midwest and the USA.

Hobbies (Bowling) Goal: Improve league bowling average and lower handicap.
Accomplished?: I have improved. After tonight, my team has moved into second place in our league! And my average is up to 95 while my handicap is down to 94.

Hobbies (New Things) Goal: Try something brand new.
Accomplished?: I was very upset about something, and I was able, for the first time ever, to fully speak my mind while not saying anything I would end up regretting. I was a fantastic feeling because I expressed my anger and disappointment without saying anything horrible. There was no mean streak to apologize for later.

6 out of 14 isn't bad. It's an improvement on last week. I am getting progressively better.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Attack Of The 90s Babies!!!

I'm an 80s baby. Born in 1984, I'm smack in the middle, so there's no attachment to things those born in either the 70s or 90s seem to feel.

And I admit I have a bias against spending too much time around very young adults. They are weird. I know, I know, blanket statements are wrong. Whatever.

Saturday night, I felt cornered by 90s babies. They were everywhere!

Here are some gems of behavior that would only come from someone who is freshly 20 years old:

*Not knowing how to take a shot of tequila without it touching your tongue, leading to a numb tongue because you just got your tongue pierced.

*Responding to the question, "so how do like being 20?" with "well, you know, it's pretty cool". He meant the question as a joke, stupid.

*Trying to order a drink even though you saw the waitress card the 26 year old down the table.

*Flirt with someone's boyfriend right in front of them and act confused when they are upset.

*Talk about reruns of sitcoms as if you were alive or understanding language to watch them when they first came out.

*Pull out snacks from your purse without offering anyone any.

This is not behavior that belongs only to 20 year olds. But you all know that when you see this behavior in someone older, you think, "he's/she's so immature."

I still don't know where the 20 year old chicks at Sonny's birthday shindig came from. I've never heard of them or met them before.

But what matters the most is that I never acted like that when I was 20. I had other unfortunate behavior, but I'll choose not to tell those stories haha.

Monday, November 22, 2010

10 Signs You're Getting To Know Each Other

Disclaimer: This is, of course, based on Easy and me. So it is not a guide to tell if you and your person are getting to know each other better.

1. After five minutes of conversation, I get asked, "have you been eating candy?" And the answer is, "yes, lots."

2. "I'm going to veg out on the game" is easily translated to "I have no ability to multi-task and therefore am saving myself from being fussed at by getting off the phone pre-emptively.

3. One of us is "the listener" and one of us is "the one who can't keep his hands to himself."

4. He already has inside jokes with my friends.

5. He knows not to bring up That Bitch, that thing he took back, and that dead guy he didn't like. I know not to bring up That Bitch, disagreements we've already settled, and my love for Will Smith.

6. He gets that when I'm blaming something on him, I don't actually think it's his fault.

7. I know that when he takes responsibility for something, he doesn't actually think it's his fault.

8. When we're together, we have a pretty good pattern of behavior we've already settled into.

9. We have code phrases that mean something different than what the words themselves mean.

10. He's learned to interpret my silences. He knows the difference between "I'm upset" silence and "I'm thinking" silence.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"Observative Is Real Word"

I wrote a post at the beginning of the month. It's absolutely hilarious. It's about this guy who tried to pick me up at a chicken joint and how I shut him down because he used a word that is not a word.

You should read that post by clicking here.

I was so happy to see all those people discussing the validity of obervative actually being a word. It did away with a stereotype I've held since I was a small child.

I thought people genuinely didn't care about words, syntax, etc. But that night, with the technology of smart phones, I was pleasantly surprised.

Then I was checking my stats about how many people read my blog and what the search terms are and I came across something interesting in the search terms. It's the title of this post.

observative is a real word
It came over a week and a half after I wrote that post about the guy. So I know it wasn't from anyone searching that night. The post wasn't written yet.

I wonder if the guy who I shut down is the one who put it into the search engine. It could be a coincidence, but what if it's not?

That would mean he read my blog post and saw everything I said about him. I have to admit, the thought of that makes me want to fall out of my chair laughing.

I hope he learned his lesson about making up words.

But what if it wasn't him? What if it was someone else who happened to be looking? They would probably not read my post and just feel the need to go to a online dictionary to get answers.

They would see that thinks it's a word. That might be enough for them. Oh I hope whoever searched that term read my post. I hope they know. Observative is not a word!

It was once, it may be again. But for today, not a word!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Seems Like My Weekends In Chicago Are Dedicated To Friends!

Well, at least my Saturdays are dedicated to friends!

Tonight will be a fun night for me. Anyone who reads my other blog will know tomorrow about part of my evening.

It's my friend Sonny's birthday. Well, it was yesterday. His get together at his house is tonight however.

And honestly, I feel a bit out out of place going there by myself because there always seems to be the overgrowth of couples. So I usually bring someone with me.

Last time I went, I brought Leo. Which was a fun night. I'm not being sarcastic.

This time I'm bringing Michelle. No need to turn Sonny's birthday thing into a date. Plus Easy is still in St. Louis until Tuesday.

Michelle has already met Sonny and Cher twice. Once when I moved from Rockford to Chicago and once during our birthday party last month.

I think that makes her a good person to bring to the party/get together. And after that, she and I are heading up north!

We are going to see this R&B group that a friend of hers is in. I love love love live music, so I'm excited to go hear his group play.

There's an interesting story about this guy. Another friend of ours from our teenage years at church is his ex. As far as I know, they haven't spoken much since she moved away, but they're still friends.

Michelle and this guy have become pretty close over the years. They're not dating, they're also just friends.

But let me put it this way. His dad constantly tells Michelle that he'd love her to be his future daughter-in-law.

And our friend who is his ex has just moved back to Chicago. And she doesn't know how close Michelle and this guy are. And she definitely doesn't know his dad is planning their wedding.

This chick is really easy going, so I don't expect this to lead to any major problems. But it will be very interesting if she ends up going out with us tonight.

So, for a number of reasons, I'm looking forward to tonight.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I No Longer Want To Kick Him In The Head, So Now What?

If I were reading someone else's blog that had posts like my recent posts, I'd finish the last one with one question: So what happens next?

I don't know. Easy still manages to piss me off each and every day because of something he doesn't think all the way through. That's just him and who he is, but it sure is taking some getting used to.

Easy is very emotional and wears his heart on his sleeve. When an impulse strikes him, especially when it comes to me and his emotions, he usually runs with it.

Then it becomes my job to sort out all the junk that came pouring out of his mouth.

Examples of impulsive things Easy has said to me:
-I should move to St. Louis and live with him.
-I should visit for a month straight.
-I should be responsible for teaching our kids how to be serious.
-We should go on a road trip during his Spring Break.
-We should go on a cruise with our friends whose wedding we met at this coming Valentine's Day.

He is lucky I'm not a crazy person with a baby/wedding/co-habitation itch. He would have lots of things to back track from.

But here's the reality. We are still getting to know each other. We are dating only each other, but we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. If things do not work out, we will move on.

He likes to talk about the future, and in a way I do too. Just not as much as him. Next week, I'm supposed to be having dinner with his family for Thanksgiving.

I've spent a considerable amount of time around them already, but it's different when it's a holiday. So I guess we'll see how that goes before we get to talking about anything else.

I'm Too Old To Be Making New Friends

My girl Gloria says that all the time. She means it mostly as a joke, but I think it applies in this scenario.

The scenario I'm alking about is what happened with Leo. The last post I wrote about him was to discuss our argument about me going to St. Louis to see Easy.

Since that time, he's texted me a couple of times. One of the texts was about the argument we had.

Another text was a very friendly text about the Cowboys finally winning a football game. It was pretty impressive. Their new coach may keep his job til the end of the season if he continues in this way.

I know about the game because Easy and I were at Buffalo Wild Wings watching the game, and all the other Sunday games.  It was amazing!

I love football and I'd never been to a sports bar/grille/wings spot on a football Sunday to watch the games. Best time ever.

But this isn't about Easy, it's about Leo. I didn't respond to Sunday's text either.

I don't think I'm going to respond if he reaches out to me again. But I feel badly. I think Leo would make a great friend.

But I can't deal with him if he's going to act like I was cheating on him by heading to St. Louis to see Easy.

And I don't want to seek him out to ask him to let me know he now feels that way. He could just say whatever I want to hear in order to keep us being friends.

So I guess we're just done. Unless he says on his own that he feels badly for lashing out at me like that.

The First Time He Said "I'm In Love With You"

As promised, this post will be dedicated entirely to the story of how Easy told me he was in love with me.

I had the feeling that he wanted to tell me something along those lines for a few days before it happened. He was acting weird and making cryptic comments about how many feelings he had for me.

But every time he brought up the fact that he wanted to tell me something, I would switch the subject or try and distract him. I just wasn't ready to possibly have that conversation.

Then Tuesday night, we're just hanging out at his place. I made us dinner while he watched The Holiday.

The Holiday is one of my favorite movies. It has Cameron Diaz, Kat Winslett, Jack Black, and Jude Law. It's an amazing romantic comedy. And I love it so much.

I rented it so I could watch it while he was at work because Easy isn't really a rom-com kind of guy.

But he decided he wanted to watch it since it is one of my favorite movies and I really identify with both heroines. He put it on while I began dinner. The dinner was great by the way. I've never put up a recipe on this blog before, but I'm considering it with this one.

When dinner was almost done, Easy wanted me to come cuddle on the couch. He's a big cuddler. I'm not, but since he asked so nicely, I joined him on the couch.

I was just in time to see that scene in the movie where Jude Law tells Cameron Diaz that he loves her. I love that scene because it's funny and sweet.

It's a very different scene that what one usually sees when a character declares love in a movie.

Shortly after that scene was over, Easy pulls me close to him and tells me he wants to tell me something important.

I have a mini freak out on the inside and quickly come up with a plan of action. I gave him a look as if I expected him to say what he said back in August.

He immediately recognized the face I was making and quickly assured me that he wasn't about to say something horrible, at least he thought it wasn't going to be horrible.

He looked deep into my eyes and said that he had been thinking a lot lately. Then he took a long pause.

I chose this opportunity to get up to check the food. Before I could get up though, he grabs me and pulls me back down and says, "I'm in love with you."

Very much like Cameron Diaz just had 15 minutes prior, I just kind of stared at him. And then I did what any reasonable woman would in such a situation. I kissed him. And said nothing.

He kissed me back. Made a joke about feeling embarrassed. And didn't say anything else about it the rest of the night.

But there was a difference between us. That feeling I'd been looking for, for something to be different, it was finally there.

Just because someone says they're in love with you, doesn't mean everything is magically better. I know that. But I couldn't help feeling that way.

Even without saying it back, and making him wonder whether or not I love him too, I still felt a million times better about the way that things were gonna go between Easy and I.

The next morning, he woke me up before he headed out to work to tell me that he really meant what he said the night before. He was falling in love with me.

He told me he figured I was expecting him to take it back at any moment (which I wasn't) and that I was looking for a reason to run (which I had only stopped doing about 8 hours prior).

I told him I wasn't expecting him to take it back, but that he kind of just had. Falling in love and being in love are two different things.

The he said, "I am in love with you. and I'm falling more in love with you every day."

What could I say to that? I kissed him again. Then we shared a joke about how addictive our kisses are.

He got up to head to work and we said our good byes because I was heading back to Chicago before he got off work.

So there you have it. The whole story. Easy is in love with me. And he's also a character straight from a romantic comedy.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Week Of Emotional Therapy

My week in St. Louis feels like I signed up to go to Sandals and ended up at some island-based rehabilitation facility.

Except it was emotional rehab. And their treatment of choice for me? Immersion Therapy.

I arrived in St. Louis ready and willing to kick Easy in the head and drive off back to Chicago at the first sign of trouble. But you all know that. I wrote a post about it that you may have already read.

In that post, I relate that I was enjoying my time there, but there was still this underlying uneasiness I couldn't shake.

Things still felt the same, I needed them to feel different. It was hard to explain at first, but I figured it out.

Before, everything felt amazing, but it turned out to not be real. So this time, I needed there to be something different so I could shake my fear of it also not being real.

I wanted things to be real. I wanted him to still want me and only me at the end of the week. I needed the rug to stay under my feet this time. The entire time.

And how do I behave when I'm feeling uneasy? Well, I lash out of course. I picked fights about every little thing I could.

There were moments when I was sure he would be like, "I can't take this shit!" And then I could get in my car and drive home and keep my heart safe.

But Easy wasn't having it. He turned every argument into a lesson to teach me to compromise. I'm not really a person who compromises.

I usually give the other person exactly what they want, or I demand exactly what I want. Better for one person to be fully satisfied that for both to be left unsatisfied.

But Easy taught me to see the glass as half full on compromising. And he took the wind of out of my combative sails.

The dates we went on were fantastic. The only thing that was missing was flowers.

And we talked about lots of things, including our emotions. I don't know what I've done to recently attract men who talk so much, but it is what it is.

Easy wanted to discuss our future. All the way from being in a relationship to being in a marriage. It wasn't a discussion for planning purposes. At least I don't think.

It was more about seeing if we were on the same page about things. I'm pretty sure.

Other things we talked about include: our shared love of music, our shared love of food, our shared love of movies, our exact opposite feelings of at what temperature the house should be kept.

As far as music goes, Easy says that when I play piano for him without him asking, he'll know for sure he has my whole heart. Or maybe just my heart, maybe he didn't say "whole".

Speaking of my heart, or Easy's, he told me he loved me. Actually he said he was in love with me. I considered putting this story into a separate post, but then I thought about how I'd feel if I was reading a post and then I was forced to wait until the next one.

And then I realized that I want it to have its own post. So I apologize for leaving a cliff hanger. I will tell the whole story. In the very next post I promise.

In the next few posts, I'll discuss my other updates from a previous blog post.

Weekly Goals Accomplished? Part Three

Last week, I only gave myself three days to get everything done. But this past week I had from Sunday to Saturday so hopefully I got everything done! There are fourteen goals in total. This goes from 11-07 to 11-13.

Let me just first say that I really didn't get much done at all. I was a bit busy in St. Louis. It was like emotional rehab. Sort of a one track mind last week.

Family Member Goal: I'm supposed to reach out to a family member I haven't talked to or spent time with in the last month.
Accomplished?: Not really...

Career Goal: Fill out at least 50 job applications.
Accomplished?: Um.. no.

Career Goal: Do research on grad schools, and on how to acquire a clinic/scholarship program/homeless shelter.
Accomplished?: This I actually did do! There are apparently some great grad programs in St. Louis...

Career Goal: Have an updated resume by the 10th of this month.
Accomplished?: I did accomplish this, although not until the 11th. But it's done and I have a fully updated resume!

Hobbies (Piano Playing) Goal: Spend at least one hour practicing the piano and/or studying music theory.
Accomplished?: I surprised myself by accomplishing this goal. But Easy has  keyboard, so I got in some practice. While I'm on the subject, he's actually pretty upset with me that I haven't played for him yet. I'll discuss that in my next blog post about Easy.

Hobbies (Reading) Goal: Read at least one book in the last week.
Accomplished?: Didn't read a book...

Hobbies (Writing) Goal: Work on novel at least once in the last two weeks.
Accomplished?: Um, didn't do this either.

Hobbies (Gardening) Goal: Work on indoor garden plan at least once in the last week.
Accomplished?: Nope.

Hobbies (Yoga) Goal: Go to five yoga classes.
Accomplished?: I went to one yoga class in Chicago. But while in St. Louis I went through my yoga routine twice.

Hobbies (Cooking) Goal: Make one new and one old recipe.
Accomplished?: I didn't do much cooking. But I can say for a fact that I accomplished this goal in the next week

Hobbies (Cooking) Goal: Write down the recipe for everything I've made in the last week.
Accomplished?: I finally finished my recipe template.

Hobbies (Travelling) Goal: Leave Chicago once a week, leave Illinois once a month, leave the Midwest once a season, and leave USA once a year.
Accomplished?: I've left Chicago and Illinois by heading to St. Louis. Still have until next month to leave the Midwest and I have until next October to leave the country.

Hobbies (Bowling) Goal: Improve league bowling average and lower handicap.
Accomplished?: I didn't do any bowling this week, so no improvement to speak of. But my team did beat my Dad's team in league bowling, two games out of three.

Hobbies (New Things) Goal: Try something brand new.
Accomplished?: I did this. I went to this great reggae spot in St. Louis I'd never been to on Wednesday night with Easy and Lion.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Finally Headed Back To Chicago

So much has happened since I last posted. Here are the highlights:

*Haven't spoken to Leo. I've ignored a number of texts until I decide what to do about him.

*I've finally been able to forgive Easy. I am truly over what happened in August.

*I've had so much fun hanging out with Lion. And I feel badly for saying his love life was too boring to earn a spot on my other blog.

*Easy told me he is in love with me. Last night. And this morning. And his telling me included a speech about how much thought he put into before he said it because he wanted to be completely sure he meant it 100%.

I will explain in more detail when I get back to Chicago later today. I have tons of DVR TV shows to catch up on, so I may not post tonight, but it will be sooner rather than later.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

An Honest Effort To Be Friends Goes Awry

I mentioned in a previous post how Leo and I were going to be just friends.

That lasted all of two weeks. Leo texted me Saturday while I was out with my mother and grandmother.

He asked why I had cut him off, but stated that perhaps he deserved it. I couldn't figure out why he would deserve being cut off, so I ignored that part of his statement.

"I didn't cut you off. I said we'd be friends. I didn't say we'd be close friends." That's what I texted in response.

After some back and forth, the story was that he wanted to give me space in case I was upset with him about how things turned out between us but that he didn't expect to not hear from me at all.

It's true that the only time I texted him was the previous Sunday asking about his agony over his beloved Cowboys football game loss.

But I had bigger man concerns than my newest friend. If we weren't looking at seeing if we could date each other, that made him no longer a priority. I could get to know him whenever, no rush.

I let him know that he was free to contact me whenever he wanted. If we were going to be friends, he wouldn't be a bother. He asked what I was doing that night to see if we could hang out.

But I had girls' night out, so I told him to get at me the next day or next week.

He reaches out to me at 10 am Sunday morning talking about he's in the area and wants to hang out.

I politely let him know I think he's a crazy person because I have to be at church. I remind him that Chicagoans are not like Dallas folk. We don't just show up in a person's neighborhood when we live an hour away asking to chill. At 10 am. On a Sunday morning.

I tell him I'll call him after church. I had a busy Sunday. Dealing with Gloria's son's father, losing my storage unit key, searching out food, youth group anniversary at the church. Its was a long ass day.

I text him Sunday night to ask if he's embarrassed for his Cowboys. They really got their asses whooped on Sunday.

He was a bit upset with me because he was expecting a call at 1 pm an instead got a text at 8 pm. I was too tired to point out how his being upset wasn't okay.

I asked him if he wanted to hang out the next night and he agreed. So Monday after yoga, I head up to Leo's place to chill for a few hours.

By the way, there was a bomb scare in Chicago that night, so traffic was crazy. You should google "Addison bomb scare, Chicago".

While Leo and I are hanging out, everything seems great. He's telling me about this speed dating thing he did the previous week. We're laughing and having a good time.

I breathe a sigh of relief that we could actually be friends. And I'm confirming that I truly don't want to date him anymore. I can' t be friends with a guy I want to date. But with Leo, that wasn't going to be a problem.

As I'm making a mental note to invite him out the next time my Chicago group of friends goes somewhere, I'm also noticing the time.

I don't want to stay there past midnight because people get tired and start heading to bedrooms, and I just wanted to avoid that whole situation until I had several confirmations that he was definitely on the friend page with me.

He walks me out and makes this comment about how I'm not persistent. Then he expresses surprise/admiration that I'm really just trying to be his friend.

I let him know I didn't suggest friendship as a ploy to stay around and try and convince him we're meant to be. If we want vastly different things, we need to be just friends. So I head home.

Then Tuesday, he texts me saying he feels bad he didn't make dinner for me the previous night. He lets me know he's cooking and invites me over.

I tell him I need a rain check because I'm driving to St. Louis. And that's when the fight started.

His stance in the fight was that he didn't think it was right for me to hang out with one guy one night and then head to another state to hang out with another guy the next night. He thought I shouldn't have been in St. Louis to give Easy a second chance.

My stance in the fight is that Leo is a crazy person because he has no right to be upset about anything if we're just friends!!!!!

I let him know that Easy didn't pop back up until I thought Leo and I were done. And that since we decided to be just friends, I figured it would be fine for me to see what Easy had to say.

I also let him know that I told him numerous times that I can't be friends with someone I want to date. So hanging out with him the night before I head to St. Louis wasn't weird. It was me catching up with a friend. Lion, Bad, and Sonny would never pull that shit.

And why would they never do it? Because we're actually friends. Apparently Leo didn't mean that shit like he said he did. I let him know that he could stand to try and give more people second chances.

Ad then I stopped responding to his texts because he and I aren't friends anymore. I guess we never were.

Easy was happy to hear that Leo and I aren't going to be friends anymore. I was with him while this fight was going on so he knows what happened.

If I'm writing another post about Leo, I hope it's to say that he apologized for being a crazy person and he'd like to try and really be friends. The chances of that happening are slim to none though.

Friday, November 12, 2010

How I Ended Up In St. Louis

I mentioned in a previous post how I freaked out Sunday night and almost cancelled my trip to St. Louis.

I was on the phone with Easy, talking about the trip and how much fun it had the potential to be when suddenly my stomach was hurting and my heart was beating fast.

I told him I suddenly felt that coming down there was a terrible idea. It truly came out of nowhere.

I just started thinking about how badly things went before and how I had no guarantee it wouldn't turn out like that again.

I was planning on taking the Megabus down here because of the combo of convenience and price. But the convenience factor was seriously lowered by the fact that if something went wrong at 8 in the morning, I'd be stuck in St. Louis for at least 12 hours.

I didn't want that and I said so. Easy got a really sad sound to his voice, but said he understood and didn't want me to do something I wasn't ready for.

But of course Monday, when I text him to apologize for freaking out, he starts a full court press to get me to take a chance and let him prove that things will be different this time around.

I ultimately decide that I would come to St. Louis, but I will not be on a bus or train, I was driving. I really needed to have an escape route that didn't depend on anyone but myself.

Since I've been here, I've been having fun with Easy. I truly am happy to be spending time with him again. There is just still some uneasiness in the back of my head.

He told me it would be different this time around, but things don't feel different. They feel the same as before.

From a different perspective, it should be a good thing that things feel the same. Because I still feel the same way when we share a joke or a hug or dinner or whatever.

And honestly, I don't have an apprehensive feeling like the floor is about to fall out from under me.

I'm just... worried. Worried that things are going to end poorly. He fussed at me while we were at the grocery store that I am expecting things to fail with so much vigor that it seems pointless to even try to succeed.

But he is still trying. He's dealing quite well with my moodiness. I tried to explain to him about how that's normal me, slightly enhanced because I'm apprehensive about him.

It's hard not to be when he keeps referencing times far into the future. I'm trying to get through November and he's talking about how if he's in the country next Christmas, he'll prove to me that he can be as corny as I am about the holiday season.

But for now, I'm enjoying his company and trying not to freak out. One thing is his favor is that he's doing exactly what he said he would. He's taking care of me, making sure I have fun, and not pressuring me to do anything I don't want to.

So my next post about Easy will be either me "exhaling" or writing about my escape from yet another crash and burn.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Being Busy Leads To Interesting Blog Posts

I do have interesting blog posts, but this may not be one of them.

This post is mostly to gloss over the time since I've last posted and suss out what needs its own post (that will truly be interesting).

I've been missing the last five days, which isn't unusual at all. People get busy stuff happens. But I have been having an interesting five days that I will now share.

I'll start with Saturday. Saturday was amazing! My mother, grandmother, and I had fun out at the movies. There were lots of inter-generational groups there seeing this movie. It looked like a scene from Madea's Family Reunion.

For Colored Girls was a movie I really enjoyed. I didn't know if I would, but I did. I'm glad I went to see it.

Dinner out with my friends was really nice. We all haven't spent an evening together in a long time. But I'll write more about that on Camille's, Gloria's, or Michelle's page on my other blog.

Easy's show went really well. It was a big deal because it was his quartet's first show. So I'm glad it went well. And if things stay like they are now, I'll definitely be at the next one.

Sunday was a good day, rather uneventful as far as things I usually blog about. I meant to put up a post about whether I got my goals for last week accomplished. But Sunday was busy with church stuff. So I'll put it up today or tomorrow.

Monday, I spent more time with my grandmother in the morning. Then I had yoga. Then I spent the evening with Leo. I'll tell that story in a later post as well. It's actually more than just Monday night. It's a story about both Monday and Tuesday nights. And Saturday. And Sunday. Kind of crazy.

I had a bit of a freak out Sunday night and almost cancelled my trip down to St. Louis to see Easy. I'll write a post about what happened with that, but I'm going to ruin the ending. I'm in St. Louis right now.

Even though my yoga studio is a national chain, they don't have yoga studios in St. Louis. Surprise surprise. So I've been doing yoga myself in the mornings when I wake up. I almost remember everything. So I'm keeping my workout plan going.

Easy and I have spent some time with Lion while down here. He's had some interesting developments in his love life. So I may need to figure out how to put him back in rotation in my other blog. At least for a couple of weeks.

And now I'm going to go catch up on my reading of all your wonderful blogs!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Weekly Goals Accomplished? Part Two

A couple days ago, I wrote about setting these weekly goals for myself to take a more proactive stance on building the life I want for myself. But since I started this late in the week, this first week only goes from Thursday to Saturday. There are fourteen goals in total. Let's see how I did!

Family Member Goal: I'm supposed to reach out to a family member I haven't talked to or spent time with in the last month.
Accomplished?: I texted my younger cousin who is a freshman in college. She's super busy all the time, but I reached out to her. She responded, but it was the most delayed text ever, so I was glad to even hear from her.

Career Goal: Fill out at least 50 job applications
Accomplished?: I didn't fill out anywhere close to 50, but hopefully I will do better next week.

Career Goal: Do research on grad schools, and on how to acquire a clinic/scholarship program/homeless shelter
Accomplished?: I did some research on how to acquire a clinic. Very little. I need to do better.

Career Goal: Have an updated resume by the 10th of this month.
Accomplished?: I didn't finish it by Saturday, But I will get it done next week.

Hobbies (Piano Playing) Goal: Spend at least one hour practicing the piano and/or studying music theory.
Accomplished?: I didn't touch the keyboard, but I had a very busy couple of days.

Hobbies (Reading) Goal: Read at least one book in the last week.
Accomplished?: I didn't read a book, but I read some more of Great Expectations on my Kindle.

Hobbies (Writing) Goal: Work on novel at least once in the last two weeks.
Accomplished?: I didn't work on the novel, but I have another week before I officially didn't reach this goal.

Hobbies (Gardening) Goal: Work on indoor garden plan at least once in the last week.
Accomplished?: Nope, sorry.

Hobbies (Yoga) Goal: Go to five yoga classes.
Accomplished?: Not accomplished. That would've been crazy to do in only three days. I only went to 2 classes.

Hobbies (Cooking) Goal: Make one new and one old recipe.
Accomplished?: I didn't cook anything between Thursday and Saturday.

Hobbies (Cooking) Goal: Write down the recipe for everything I've made in the last week.
Accomplished?: I still haven't made my recipe template.

Hobbies (Travelling) Goal: Leave Chicago once a week, leave Illinois once a month, leave the Midwest once a season, and leave USA once a year.
Accomplished?: I did leave Chicago. We went to Crestwood, IL to see the movie. The rest I'm still working on.

Hobbies (Bowling) Goal: Improve league bowling average and lower handicap.
Accomplished?: My average really did improve and my handicap went down. And what's more, my team won all three of our league games. We kicked their asses!

Hobbies (New Things) Goal: Try something brand new.
Accomplished?: I accomplished this one! When we went to Grand Lux, my appetizer and meal were brand new to me. I'd never tried Philly cheesesteak spring rolls and they were delicious! And whatever salad that was I ordered was good too!

Okay, 5 out of 14. I will do better. And next week, I'll actually have 7 days so hopefully I will improve!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Girls' Day Out, Girls' Night Out, No Boys Allowed

I'm really excited about the day I have in front of me. The type of social life I'd like to have doesn't include going out to clubs every night. I never wanted that, not even in college.

The type of social life I'd like includes a mix of activities that allows me to have fun with people I care about in my life. Today is a great day for that.

At 4pm, I'm going to see Colored Girls with my mother and grandmother. I wasn't sure I was going to see this movie because Tyler Perry and I don't get along with serious subject material, but I'm going and I plan on enjoying both my time with these women and the movie.

Then tonight, I'm going out to dinner with Michelle, Gloria, Camille, Michelle's twin cousins (Thing 1 and Thing 2), and two to three of our other friends from church. We're just grabbing dinner and maybe seeing where the night goes after that.

Easy wanted me to not have a girls' day this weekend and to come down to St. Louis to see him and his show. He was supposed to have a boys' weekend and that kind of fell through. And now his parents are coming down. And staying in his house.

And he still asked me one more time yesterday to reconsider. This is after us making plans for when I'm coming down on Tuesday. The only two reasons I'm not completely pissed about him asking me to change my plans is that he's just impulsive like that and this show is a big deal for him.

Easy is impulsive. I may have said that two or eight times on this blog. But he just says whatever idea he fancies at the time, regardless of whether it turns out he will still mean it when he stops to think about it. It's his man-stupid. But I know he wouldn't actually expect me to cancel previous plans with almost all the important women in my life for him. Not unless it was really important. Like really important. Like a family member's funeral.

And like I said, this show is a big deal for him. Easy is an elementary school teacher. But he's also a musician. And tonight he's accomplishing one of his goals/dreams of having a show with his own jazz quartet. The venue he's playing at asked him to do the show, which is also huge.

I do support him in this venture, but being physically there for him just wasn't possible. But we've been talking about it a lot and I think he knows how much I support him and what he's doing tonight.

So I will be praying for him that everything goes well and that his parents have a good visit with him. And I'll be doing some great sisterhood-of-the-travelling-pants-type bonding today! Well, I don't know that to be true. I've never seen that movie. But there will be some type of bonding going on.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Weekly Goals Accomplished? Part One

If you read all those pages I recently added to my blog, you'll see that I've typed out concrete ideas I have for building the life I want. There are things I've decided I want to proactively seek out. I think it will be fun to make that extra step. And there's always that warm fuzzy feeling I get when I'm making real strides towards accomplishing a goal.

I'm thinking if I post this every Sunday or so, I'll be able to look back on the last week to see if I did what I was supposed to do. For the first post, I'll be looking at only Thursday to Saturday. But before I get into that, I'll just lay out the goals.

For my family, I'm setting a goal to reach out to a family member I haven't talked to or spent time with in a month. I can't make them have time for me, but I can do my part at least and reach out.

For my career, I'm setting a goal to fill out at least 50 job applications a week. That number may change over time. Also, I'd like to have spent part of one day doing research on my ultimate career goals and on my grad school search.

For my hobbies, I've got quite a number of goals, and I'm going to write them all out here. Bear with me.

For piano playing, I'd like to spend at least one hour each week practicing the piano and studying music theory.

For reading, I'd like to read at least one new book in a week. I've read waaaay more books than that in one week, but I sometimes go weeks without finishing a book, so that's now the goal.

For writing, I'd like to work on my novel at least once every two weeks. I want to do some character development, plot planning, or maybe even writing. With constant progress, maybe I'll stay in touch with the characters and really get some stuff done.

For gardening, I'm going to put together a plan to start a indoor garden. I think spending time doing that research or acquiring the tools I need to make it happen once a week will be a good start.

For yoga, the goal will be to get my butt to that yoga studio five times a week. That will mean making extra efforts to change my schedule and motivate myself.

For cooking, I'd like to make one dish I've made before, make one new dish, and write down the recipes for everything I make, with the exception of bowls of cold cereal.

For travelling, I want to leave the city once a week, the state once a month, the Midwest once a season, and the country once a year.

For bowling, I'd like to improve my average and lower my handicap every week.

And as far as trying new things, I have to do at least one brand new thing a week. It doesn't have to be huge, but it has to be new.

I know I've made a tall order for myself. I've made fourteen goals That's a lot to do every single week. Maybe I'll give up in two weeks. But for now, I'm excited to try!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My 20s Life Experiment For Hobbies #1: I Want To Go Outside My City, And State, And Region, And Country

Last night I did some thinking about travel. I've been tossing around the idea of travelling to St. Louis next week to spend some time with Easy. But let's face it, at this point, visiting St. Louis barely counts as travelling because I've been there so many times.

But I was also thinking about my trip to NYC last year for New Year's Eve with Top. And I can't remember the last time I went to the Ft. Lauderdale/Miami area to see Noni.

Then last night I had a pretty crazy dream. I'm not even sure what city/country I was visiting. But I was visiting Top's good friend and current roommate. He has lived a number of places and always meets new people and forms these lasting relationships with them.

I could totally see visiting him without Top, and just like my dream, there being so many random people there also to just visit and hang out.

The dream was awesome because there was lots of cereal to be eaten, ghost stories to be shared, and banks to rob. Yes, in the dreams I desired to participate in those three activities soooo badly.

Zany dream aside, I started thinking about how long it's been since I travelled regularly. Without a form of employment, it's impossible to fund any travel right now, but I do miss it so.

Therefore, I've resolved to leave the city once a week, at least to go to a suburb. I'm going to leave the state once a month. I'm going to leave the Midwest once a season. And I'm going to leave the country once a year.

That may seem like a lot, but it's about par for the course for the last ten years or so, with the exception of leaving the country. I've done that six times in the last 18 years, so I'm going to be really improving my average with that one.

And this is even more incentive to spend that extra thirty minutes filling out even more job applications. I won't be able to make my goal of leaving the country by this time next year if I don't have a way to pay for that, bills, and my student loans.

Countdown to the Life I Want: 3 years, 11 months, 6 days.

Going With The Flow... Sort Of... Well Not Really... Mostly Just Analyzing

When I think about the type of romantic relationship I'd like to have, I become very idealistic. I think of things like endless romance, deep conversations, attending civic and religious events together, and an amazing physical connection.

Is this ultimate combination of a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical connection even possible? I'm sure I don't know. I think about my boyfriend from freshman year and I think we came pretty close.

Then I think about the Ex, and he I and were pretty close too when things were good.

But those are two relationships that will never be rekindled. One is dead and the other has wasted enough of my time for me to be completely over him and any thoughts of us.

So of course now when I think about those possible connections, it's in consideration of Easy. He and I have definitely have a physical connection. That was the first thing we noticed about each other.

Well, a physical and a mental connection are the first things we noticed. We have a ton of fun together and never get bored with each other's company, but that's only half mental wink, wink.

Whether or not we have a spiritual connection will take time to see, but we've established an ability to discuss our spirituality as openly as we discuss everything else, so there's promise there.

And as far as emotional, that's difficult to ascertain as well. He's a very emotional guy and he wears his heart on his sleeve. But he's also impetuous. I'm very emotional, but I deny and ignore my emotions whenever possible. And his over-the-top and ever-changing editing emotions make me only that much less interested in having any emotions that concern him.

But while I'm keeping these thoughts in the back of my mind, I'm trying to stay in the moment when I'm interacting with him, and so far it's going well.

What Easy and I have decided is that we are going to continue to talk on the phone when we feel like it. That's been every day since he came back so far. Also, we are going to go out on some fantastic date he has planned the next time we're in the same city.

I think I may go down to St. Louis to see him next week. I'm still undecided, but I'm leaning much farther that way than I was couple days ago. So I figure by next week, I'll be completely okay with that plan.

And to make things even better, we are not going to date other people. It's not because we're making some huge commitment to only be with each other. It's more because of my discomfort with how things turned out between us over the summer. He and I are just going to date only each other and if either of us decide we don't like where it's going, we let the other person know and the we stop dating.

I like this plan very much. It gives me a safer feeling than not having that understanding. I don't know why and I do get that it's not the most rational thing. But it relieves a lot of the apprehension I previously had about Easy.

Talking to him is completely enjoyable and I am just going to go with that for now. That and all my constant obsessing with what it all might mean.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Breaking One of My Own Stereotypes aka Smartphones Make Everything Better!

Let's get right to the point. What is the stereotype I have? Most black people don't care about exact grammar, spelling, and syntax. I don't want to get into whether that stereotype is deserved or not. I hold that stereotype because of my own life experience.

From where did I develop that stereotype? I was the smart kid growing up. Something that was always a source of annoyance to me was that people around me constantly said things wrong. Their sentence structures and word usage were deplorable.

Something that was always a source of annoyance to other people was when I would correct them. It took me a while, but I finally turned a (sort of) deaf ear to people's mistakes.

Actually, I just stopped correcting people unless they were my friends. Yes, my friends had to deal with the real me. So now we get to how my stereotype got broken. It's a funny story, so I have to tell the whole thing before we see the stereotype get broken. Sorry in advance for those who just want me to get to the point.

I wrote a post last weekend about my desire to have a social life that was actually active. This led to me going to a Halloween party at a club in Chicago with Bad and Jordan.

We had a great time out with a couple of Bad's other friends. When it was time to leave, we decided to go to the Harold's Chicken Shack near the club and grab food. Jordan didn't go in, just Bad and I, but he was a few steps behind me.

As I'm walking through the parking lot, there is this guy wearing an obnoxious red scarf (that was not a costume) there yelling at me that I'm beautiful, just like this chick named Ashley he knows. As crazy as this sounds, I've heard this before. At least three other times. There is some chick named Ashley running around Chicago with my face. I'm officially convinced.

He follows me into the Harold's and is trying to talk to me and get me to give him my phone number. He's clearly tipsy, possibly high, but still high-functioning. Bad comes into the Harold's and does his usual guy-buffer thing which is usually very effective. But when this guy compliments his Halloween costume, the buffer goes away.

So red scarf guy continues trying to talk to me after I'm done ordering. He's doing the loud whisper thing and of course draws the attention of everyone in the Harold's. I look up a notice at least 10 people watching the two of us very closely. I point this out to him and he begins this speech about how he's not being loud, I am, but how that doesn't matter because he's just trying to get to know me better.

I walk away and go sit by some man who's just trying to enjoy his food. When I sit there, of course red scarf guy comes over. The food guy has this look on his face that says, "why is this my life?" I proceed to talk to him about his food in an effort to ignore red scarf guy.

Red scarf guy starts to get frustrated with me. He tells me he just wants to talk to me, but I'm being difficult. But he pays attention and he knows that he could get through to me because he's observative like that. That's when I looked up in disbelief.

"Observative? I'm pretty sure that's not a word."

"Oh, it's definitely a word. I'm just as smart as you think you are and that's a word."

Then Bad chimes in. "Nah, player, I don't think it's a word. And you've just made a mistake cause CeCe would never talk to a guy who uses a made up word as if it were a real word."

Then red scarf guy got mad. He got all red in the face (black people get red in the face too) and began almost screaming that "it was too a word". His friend comes in and makes him leave because he's making a complete spectacle of himself.

I did have an argument before about hilarity not being a word. Because I was so wrong in that case, I give this guy the benefit of the doubt and look the word up on my Blackberry. While I'm waiting for Google's results, I notice that every other person in the Harold's with a Blackberry or iPhone is looking it up too.

Then a debate starts over the word. It's in and, which means it's been in use in urban areas as a real word for about 10 years or so. says it's some word from the 1610s, and it's no longer proper English. Merriam-Webster and Oxford both say, "f you use this word, we'll drive to your house and revoke your graduate degrees." They didn't say that, but neither of them had the word.

I was about as happy as I'd ever been to see these liquored-up black people discussing the validity of a word while eating fried chicken. Talk about busting (also while confirming) a stereotype. The verdict was that observative is an urban word, but not a real word. If you put it in a thesis, your professor would make you change it.

Bad and I laughed very hard at the red scarf guy's stupidity as we headed back to the car and shared the story with Jordan. I make up words all the time, but at least I know which ones are made up. If you're going to be soooooo sure about something, make sure you're right. Especially when you're trying to impress a girl.

By the way, when I did spell check on this post, Blogger also thinks observative is not a word.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Please Don't Make It Easier For People To Screw You Over

To what is my title referring? Why to the election of course.

It's been pretty well documented that there are lots of intimidation efforts to keep minority groups from voting. This year, there are especially heinous commercials out there targeting Latinos and homosexuals asking them outright to not vote.

I"m not sure in what world not voting gets your voice heard...

But in America, we are a melting pot and a progressive culture. That means there are always new minority groups to insult with the exact old techniques under the guise of doing something new. America may have a short memory. But I have a long one and history lessons from my elders. They can kiss my ass if they think I won't exercise my right to vote.

Who is the "they" I'm talking about? People who are against my ideas for the direction I think the country should go. People who use libertarianism as an excuse to lose common decency and concern for mankind. People who think low taxes are the solution to everything (those are the shortest memory idiots). People who prefer to legislate to the benefit of corporations. People who are so close-minded that they actually believe other cultures are out to get them and education, science, and history are evil. They suck!

Moving on. This morning, I went with my parents so we could vote before they headed to work. For some reason, our polling place was stocked with poorly trained volunteers. No one committed any violations of polling place procedure, but they certainly exhibited a poor understanding of those procedures.

They didn't explain voting well. They fumbled when someone messed up their ballot and had to get rid of that one and get a new one. They didn't have good answers for someone who had recently switched their voter registration address. Luckily, there was an older gentleman there who knew the rules.

But situations like this make it far too easy for someone to come in and find problems. Then suddenly our polling place loses the validity of the votes simply because the people there aren't trained well. I live in a predominantly African-American community which is almost 100% Democratic. Knowing that our opponents are looking for reasons to scream voter fraud, you would think we would avoid any and all behavior that could help that process along.

Okay, I'm through complaining, I just hate to see people help themselves get screwed over. Go vote! Especially if you live in Illinois because we could use the extra votes if any other polling places in the hood are even worse than mine.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Good Lovin' Ain't Easy To Come By

Marvin Gaye and Tammie Terrell sing a song with that title. I feel like it's very appropriate for how I'm feeling right now, and not just about Easy. The song is about how what you want (namely love) does not come easily. You have to work for it, appreciate it when you find it, and do what you need to make sure it stays strong.

That does not describe Easy and me. Almost every day, I find myself feeling incredibly frustrated with him. What he offered last Sunday sounded amazing and it was something I was considering. Since that time, he has offered and rescinded a number of things. I could just kick him in the head!

I don't understand why it's so difficult for him to stay honest about what he wants. It's not that he's lying. It's that he's trying to give me what he thinks I want, no matter how many times I tell him I want him to just be honest about what he wants. He's even told me already pretty clearly what he wants for us.

When I told him that the way I'm feeling now, the fact that what he wants may not be good enough, he's been flip flopping on whether that little bit extra is something he can handle. I'm just about convinced that he can't handle it, so that makes me want to take a step back from him.

I'm done compromising. Just for now. It's not in my nature to not compromise. But when it comes to Easy, I just can't be that person. I don't have faith in him that things will turn out well. And I can't even consider letting my guard down.

I thought originally I was feeling that way because him coming back was all so new. But last night I realized it was because he's still not giving me the whole story yet. There's still something he's holding back or not sharing or whatever. Almost every time we speak, another piece of the puzzle comes to light. Until I feel like I have the whole puzzle, I won't even consider making any decisions about anything. That includes postponing the fabulous date he wants to take me on.

I know myself, and I'm not ready for him to be all romantic and wine-and-dine me. I will really have to kick him in the head if at the end of all that, he's still just him, standing there genuinely confused about the merits of dating only one person at a time.

But like I said, it's not just Easy. It's also my church. I've been talking about this Youth Department that's being set up as a way to get everyone on the same page for planning events for the youth of the church. We've already accomplished the task of getting people to stop scheduling conflicting meetings/practices. People are even working on planning events that include every child in the church, not just their own group.

So what's the next step in all this? Complete opposition from people who don't even work with the youth. It's the most nonsensical thing that people who never work with the youth can have such strong opinions about how things should be done.

It's frustrating because the very people raising the biggest fuss were not at the meeting. And there was a breakdown of communication between them and the people who were at the meeting. So now there will be clean-up, explanations, and apologies to try and get things back on track. We've done so much in such a little bit of time, and I'm not letting anyone stand in the way of that. They will not break apart something we're doing solely to make our church work better for the youth.
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