Thursday, February 24, 2011

Having A Title Raises Questions

Even though I know Easy reads this blog, I'm writing this post anyway. He said to me recently that it seems like I don't post the type of stuff I used to post before when I was talking about PT or Leo. I told him it was because I just wasn't posting as often and that I wasn't holding back on my blog simply because I know he reads it.


In all actuality, I hold back on my blog anyway. Always wary of the image I'm presenting to a whole bunch of strangers who are basically reading my diary. But I'm going to try to dobetter about that. Realness is always more interesting than a carefully calculated prism through which one's life is seen.


Plus, I had waaaay more angst with Leo and PT than I have with Easy. Things with him are just easy. No need for long diatribes about how unsure I am about things and trying to decipher each little thing. Easy just tells me how things are. I think I make him do more guessing than he does me. I feel bad about that and it is something I'm working on.


That being said, back to the point of this post. I never really explained why being boyfriend and girlfriend was such a big deal to Easy. Once I explain that, it will hopefully become clearer why I am a bit freaked out by the fact that I can now call him my boyfriend.


Easy feels like that title means much more than most people do. To him, it's a pretty big deal. The time you spend "dating" is the time you get to know someone. You learn their strengths and weaknesses; you fall in love. You see if your life as it is today and what it will be in the future fits together. Making the decision to become boyfriend and girlfriend means that you're making a commitment. A huge commitment. It means the next step is marriage. He sees having that title as a pre-cursor to marriage. As in, now that you're my girlfriend, it's only a matter of time before I propose unless something goes wrong.


To me, it's not at all that serious. Having a boyfriend is no biggie. It's just the next natural step after I realize I love spending a lot of time around you getting to know you. But if it means that much to him, that means he's thinking about the next big step. I'm thinking about the next big step too. I think about it with Easy specifically. But also, it's just my nature to think about it in general all the time no matter who I'm dating. It's what I do.


I have this... part... of me that just wants to be done looking. I want to have my soul mate and get started on my happily ever after. I love dating and flirting and being on the singes scene. But I would give that up in a minute for a happy marriage, kids, and paying a mortgage. Somewhere in the future, my 45 year old self is wishing she could backhand me. But I feel that way, and there's no use pretending I don't.


So, invariably, I meet a guy, realize he's kind of great (or great enough) and figure, "hey, I could settle down with him. I could be done with the singles thing. With him." I start imagining a wedding and what our kids will look like. Usually this isn't based on reality, it's based on my desire to be done.


Only once in my life have I ever actually felt "done" as opposed to "could be done". At least, only once before I met Easy. But those feelings freak me out. As much as I know it'd be nice to be done, that's all in theory. I've never put in the work planning to make that happily ever after feasible. I'm usually busy dong imagining. It's when I realize my imagination looks nothing like reality that I realize the guy in front of me isn't The One.


But for Easy, my imagination isn't even as good as reality. I can't even say everything with him is a fairy tale because it just isn't true. I could make it sound like that though. He brings me flowers often. He tells me he loves me several times a day. I can't remember the last time I opened a door for myself when he was around. Everyone who spends a large quantity of time around us calls us their favorite couple.


But that's just some of the stuff that might make one go, "awwww." We spend a lot of time comparing notes about life. Religion, raising kids, credit history, caring for aging parents, graduate school, where to live throughout an adult life, career plans, dreams/goals, tastes in music and movies and wine; nothing is off limits. I feel like with Easy I'm actually laying the groundwork for the future in a realistic way, but the joy of our honeymoon phase still exists as well.


How long is a honeymoon phase supposed to last anyway? Depending on when you start counting, we've been involved for 4 days or 3 1/2 months, or 4 1/2 months, or almost 7 months. I guess with that type of ambiguity, it's easy to stay in a honeymoon phase.


But the ultimate question is now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend, why exactly do I feel freaked out? Now I feel like we're on this countdown to being engaged. And let's say he has no intention of proposing for like three years. That will make me into a craziery person. But what if he's going to propose next month?


I keep saying I want Easy and I to make our own rules. And I mean it, but my logic keeps creeping in. If he proposed next month, I would say yes with no doubts. I just wouldn't want to have to explain to everyone around my why I was agreeing to marry someone I didn't even know a year ago.


The best reaction I can have to these crazy thoughts it just to focus on the today-ness of our relationship. All of our discussions about a future are just that: discussions. They are not today. Today I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and treats me better than I ever knew was possible. Thinking about when and whether he'll propose is counter-productive.


I promise to do my best to keep these type of rambling posts to a minimum. Not the fact that it's rambling, mind you. Just the fact that it's about something that is pure speculation.
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