Saturday, September 25, 2010

How To Be A Passive Aggressive Dater

As far as I can remember, near 100% of the guys I have dated have exhibited some passive-aggressive behavior. I avoid Pisces like the plague, so it's not as bad as it could be. But I decided I should put together a how-to guide to make it even easier for them to accomplish the task of driving me up a wall.

*Refer to all my friends of the opposite sex as "that must be your boo".

*Never actually ask if I'm dating anyone else, just constantly refer to the possibility.

*Show me a photo montage, set to soft rock music, of your child, his mother, and you. You all must look like the happiest, most impenetrable family unit ever.

*Cook me dinner and talk about how you're likely so much better than every other guy because you did the unique thing of cooking for me. Please don't ever ask if that is indeed a unique thing.

*Remind me that the date we're on is not a "real date." Describe a real date that sounds exactly like what we're doing.

*Don't forget to also show me your gallery of exes while you're showing me your other pictures.

*Remind me constantly that you don't actually intend to be here in this city in a couple of months. Follow that up with a discussion of how you take your time getting to know people before getting into anything serious, the same type of serious you'd need to do a long-distance anything.

*Talk and joke A LOT about your physical attraction to me, but only if you're going to also talk about your desire to avoid a physical relationship of any kind at this point.

*Whenever possible, say conflicting things like, "I'm not your man". "I find you so intriguing", "I could see us being really good friends", and "you're exactly the type of woman I can see myself marrying". If you can work all four into one conversation, you get bonus points!

*And the Golden Rule of Passive-Aggressive Dating: Run Hot Then Cold.
For example, call and text constantly for a week, then disappear for a week. Also, be incredibly touchy-feely, then suddenly become standoff-ish.

You don't have to work too hard to be completely confusing, just stick to the golden rule and you can't go wrong.

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