Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Feeling Like I'm Starting From Scratch

I wrote a series of posts a short while ago about what I've learned about myself this summer. Now that summer is coming to an end, upon further reflection, I feel like I've taken steps back. It's just on reflection of the things that matter to me about my life, not in any real order.

Family: I have a non-existent relationship with a number of family members, but I don't even want to get into that. But as far as my parents go, there's always this juxtaposition of our two relationships. There's the first part where we hang out all the time and enjoy each other's company. Then there's the other side where they know absolutely nothing about my life right now. They could probably tell you who my friends are. But they can't tell you what man I'm interested in. They don't know my career goals. They don't know what jobs I've been applying for. They probably think I haven't been applying for jobs. I think it sucks, but I don't know how to make them care about something they feel so unhappy about.

Friends: I'm back to ground zero. Yes, I've been working on strengthening friendships this summer. But now that September is here, it just feels like no progress. Top, Lion, and Noni all live in different states and are kept pretty busy between work/school/romance. Bad has been busy with Jordan since she moved to Chicago, and Sonny is always busy with Cher since they got engaged. Michelle has gone back to school, Camille has started law school, and Gloria is always busy with her boyfriend and/or son. I literally have no one I can call up when I feel like hanging out. Which leads me to my other concerns for myself during this self-pity-party.

Career: I wish I had a career to be concerned about so I would be busy too and it wouldn't matter that my friends and family don't have the time to be concerned about me at a moment's notice. I had a career and I walked away from it. Every time I think about it, I still feel like it was the best decision ever. It's just really frustrating that I can't find a job. I've been applying for all types of jobs, in my exact career path and out. It's harder than I thought to find a research job. I figure it must just be that I am not looking in the right places. But all I can do is keep putting in the work to make it happen.

Romance: I don't even wanna think about all the ways my love life has gone wrong in the last number of years. I want to have someone I can go on dates with, watch movies with, try new things with. I want that to be a person I like kissing who doesn't have any limitations on our potential. But unfortunately, I can't get Easy out of my head. So for now I'm screwed. But I can at least count on my tendency to not keep feelings for a person. The only difference this time is I haven't had the desire to distract myself with the company of another man. But I'm sure that will come with time. I have these moments where I don't want anyone else, but they never last. I will be fine soon based on my past.

Myself: Who I am as a person is not an accident. I make a point of being myself, but I do make edits as necessary to be a better person when the occasion strikes me. But I'm having a problem right now because I can't think of anything I want to change. I know of some flaws, some pretty big ones. I'm hyper-critical. I curse too much. I'm too rigid about things I don't have enough experience with. I sleep too much. But am I going to change these things? I'm just a bit concerned that I don't feel the need for self-improvement, I always feel that need.

I just feel off lately and I don't know how to fix it. It's just not like me to be aware of so many problems and not know (or have the desire) to fix it. But, I never stay down for long, it's one of my favorite things about myself. So I will just wait for the doldrums to go away. Did I use that word correctly? Doldrums?

0 New Hypotheses:

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