Friday, November 12, 2010

How I Ended Up In St. Louis

I mentioned in a previous post how I freaked out Sunday night and almost cancelled my trip to St. Louis.

I was on the phone with Easy, talking about the trip and how much fun it had the potential to be when suddenly my stomach was hurting and my heart was beating fast.

I told him I suddenly felt that coming down there was a terrible idea. It truly came out of nowhere.

I just started thinking about how badly things went before and how I had no guarantee it wouldn't turn out like that again.

I was planning on taking the Megabus down here because of the combo of convenience and price. But the convenience factor was seriously lowered by the fact that if something went wrong at 8 in the morning, I'd be stuck in St. Louis for at least 12 hours.

I didn't want that and I said so. Easy got a really sad sound to his voice, but said he understood and didn't want me to do something I wasn't ready for.

But of course Monday, when I text him to apologize for freaking out, he starts a full court press to get me to take a chance and let him prove that things will be different this time around.

I ultimately decide that I would come to St. Louis, but I will not be on a bus or train, I was driving. I really needed to have an escape route that didn't depend on anyone but myself.

Since I've been here, I've been having fun with Easy. I truly am happy to be spending time with him again. There is just still some uneasiness in the back of my head.

He told me it would be different this time around, but things don't feel different. They feel the same as before.

From a different perspective, it should be a good thing that things feel the same. Because I still feel the same way when we share a joke or a hug or dinner or whatever.

And honestly, I don't have an apprehensive feeling like the floor is about to fall out from under me.

I'm just... worried. Worried that things are going to end poorly. He fussed at me while we were at the grocery store that I am expecting things to fail with so much vigor that it seems pointless to even try to succeed.

But he is still trying. He's dealing quite well with my moodiness. I tried to explain to him about how that's normal me, slightly enhanced because I'm apprehensive about him.

It's hard not to be when he keeps referencing times far into the future. I'm trying to get through November and he's talking about how if he's in the country next Christmas, he'll prove to me that he can be as corny as I am about the holiday season.

But for now, I'm enjoying his company and trying not to freak out. One thing is his favor is that he's doing exactly what he said he would. He's taking care of me, making sure I have fun, and not pressuring me to do anything I don't want to.

So my next post about Easy will be either me "exhaling" or writing about my escape from yet another crash and burn.

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