Monday, November 1, 2010

Good Lovin' Ain't Easy To Come By

Marvin Gaye and Tammie Terrell sing a song with that title. I feel like it's very appropriate for how I'm feeling right now, and not just about Easy. The song is about how what you want (namely love) does not come easily. You have to work for it, appreciate it when you find it, and do what you need to make sure it stays strong.

That does not describe Easy and me. Almost every day, I find myself feeling incredibly frustrated with him. What he offered last Sunday sounded amazing and it was something I was considering. Since that time, he has offered and rescinded a number of things. I could just kick him in the head!

I don't understand why it's so difficult for him to stay honest about what he wants. It's not that he's lying. It's that he's trying to give me what he thinks I want, no matter how many times I tell him I want him to just be honest about what he wants. He's even told me already pretty clearly what he wants for us.

When I told him that the way I'm feeling now, the fact that what he wants may not be good enough, he's been flip flopping on whether that little bit extra is something he can handle. I'm just about convinced that he can't handle it, so that makes me want to take a step back from him.

I'm done compromising. Just for now. It's not in my nature to not compromise. But when it comes to Easy, I just can't be that person. I don't have faith in him that things will turn out well. And I can't even consider letting my guard down.

I thought originally I was feeling that way because him coming back was all so new. But last night I realized it was because he's still not giving me the whole story yet. There's still something he's holding back or not sharing or whatever. Almost every time we speak, another piece of the puzzle comes to light. Until I feel like I have the whole puzzle, I won't even consider making any decisions about anything. That includes postponing the fabulous date he wants to take me on.

I know myself, and I'm not ready for him to be all romantic and wine-and-dine me. I will really have to kick him in the head if at the end of all that, he's still just him, standing there genuinely confused about the merits of dating only one person at a time.

But like I said, it's not just Easy. It's also my church. I've been talking about this Youth Department that's being set up as a way to get everyone on the same page for planning events for the youth of the church. We've already accomplished the task of getting people to stop scheduling conflicting meetings/practices. People are even working on planning events that include every child in the church, not just their own group.

So what's the next step in all this? Complete opposition from people who don't even work with the youth. It's the most nonsensical thing that people who never work with the youth can have such strong opinions about how things should be done.

It's frustrating because the very people raising the biggest fuss were not at the meeting. And there was a breakdown of communication between them and the people who were at the meeting. So now there will be clean-up, explanations, and apologies to try and get things back on track. We've done so much in such a little bit of time, and I'm not letting anyone stand in the way of that. They will not break apart something we're doing solely to make our church work better for the youth.

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