Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Those Seeds of Hope Are Now Frustrating Little Seedlings

I have been talking about the inkling of hope that I feel that Easy is not completely full of shit this time. That's now grown into more of a full-blown small feeling of hope.

And what is my reward? I haven't heard from Easy. It really hasn't been that long at all. I talked to him yesterday after he left work. He said he would call me after he finished running an errand and before he went to this jam session, but he didn't call. I texted him later that night, but he didn't respond.

And now I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with myself that something this small is even causing frustration. A normal reaction from me would be to think something just came up or he was tired and went to bed early and he's at work now so I can't expect to hear from him til after 4. But my reaction this time is, "see, I knew that dude couldn't be counted on." It's a bit extreme.

And I'm frustrated with him because of all the times to not follow your word, three days after proclaiming you're not the same person is the wrong time to do it. Why doesn't he know that?

He could just be giving me space. He's been saying during the last couple of conversations that maybe I need some space to let my head stop spinning. I told him that was a bad idea. He could just be doing it on his own. I don't know. I won't know until I talk to him again, so I should stop speculating.

But when I do talk to him again, I plan on telling him about Leo. I'll tell him as much as he wants to know, but there really isn't much to tell seeing as how there was never a physical relationship between Leo and me. But still, full disclosure is good for re-building trust, though I never lost his, but that's not the point.

I will probably also tell him that I'm ready to commit to anything because I'm still gun-shy, still trying to figure out if I can forgive him with no regrets, and still waiting to fully remember all those wonderful feelings I had for him before. But Easy will be welcome to try and help that process along. If I still feel that way the next time we speak, that's what I'll say.

I suppose anything worth having is worth fighting for or whatever. But this work towards having a healthy happy relationship by age 30 is quite stressful.

Countdown to the life I want: 3 years, 11 months, 14 days.

0 New Hypotheses:

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