Wednesday, October 27, 2010

And Then There Was One

After writing my post about learning to trust my instincts, I began to start thinking about getting in touch with what my heart is really feeling. I was able to finally feel like my head had stopped spinning because of the events of the last three days.

I realized that I was starting to feel some optimism and hope about Easy. There was a tiny part of me that was beginning to believe things could work out well. The skepticism still far outweighs it, but it's there.

And then I started thinking about Leo. I was really starting to like him. I definitely enjoy spending time with him. When he asked me what I wanted and what I wanted from him, it took me a while to figure out what I wanted. I did figure out that I didn't know for sure that I wanted it with him. I still wanted to explore to see if I did want it with him. That was a couple days ago.

Knowing what he wants, I finally came to a conclusion. What Leo's offering isn't good enough. I can't help but compare it with what Easy is offering, and it doesn't measure up. If Easy wasn't back in the picture, I'd probably be on board with continuing as we were, just hanging out and getting to know each other and see if over time what we want matches up more.

But that is not the case. And I must admit, my decision to step away from Leo is driven a bit by wanting to avoid having to tell Leo about Easy and to tell Easy about Leo. But I think it's for the best. I talked to Leo today and told him that us focusing on just being friends without moving forward from that point to anything else. The reason I thought we were done in the first place is because he suggested that as a possible conclusion since we wanted different things. So bringing it back up to him was a pretty painless conversation. Leo and I will be friends, nothing more. And like every decision that is right, I felt ten times better after it was concluded.

So now the question is what to do with Easy. That inkling of hope is there. But I don't know if I can just forgive him for what happened. I know he's sorry and I really believe that he intends to be better this time. I just wish I could trust his ability to follow through on what he wants to happen between us now. I don't have faith that what he's saying to me today will be the same thing he's saying to me in six weeks.

My instincts are telling me to give it time. My heart wants to see where this can go. So for now, that is the plan. Part of the reason I feel okay about this is because I came across an e-mail I sent myself exactly one month ago that was supposed to become a blog post. I was missing Easy, but holding on to the good parts.

With Easy, I tried to be open and at that time I didn't regret that attempt. I think shortly after that, I began to regret it because that openness I had with Easy made it very difficult to focus on anyone else. I had known Leo for about two weeks when I wrote that e-mail. After I wrote it all out, I got angry. Angry at Easy and angry at myself. All that openness went away. One month later, Leo is telling me I never even tried to open up with him and that wasn't okay. And he was right, I never tried to open up.

I guess we'll see if I am having the same problem with Easy in a short amount of time. Or maybe I'll decide tomorrow I can't move forward with him either.

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