Back To Love's Laboratory

Just a couple days ago, I was writing about how things were done with the guy whose name I never mentioned. I thought I would take a break from guys for a while. That was the plan, you know?

I never have trouble meeting men anymore (at least not since I've been back in Chicago). But I was going to avoid meeting men until my girl Michelle comes to visit home in a few weeks. You can read all about the manhunt I had planed for her us on my other blog. Her day is Friday; Michelle's T.G.I.Fridays to be exact.

I was sailing along in my happy man-free world for all of 48 hours. I get home from church and sat cringing on the couch with my dad as the Bears create a very unique grid iron crash-and-burn. They set a new record today for interceptions. I was in agony. Not even the large numbers of interceptions thrown all around the NFL today could make me feel better (yeah, I'm looking at you too Drew Brees). And just as I'm thinking about heinous crashes-and-burn, my phone vibrates, signalling a text message.

Who could it be? Why it's Easy. Easy with whom I had an epic crash and burn not too long ago. Easy, who I was having trouble getting over so I was faking it til I actually got there. Easy, who has been reaching out to me a couple times in the last month only to get a response of "leave me alone, we can't be friends". Yeah, that Easy.

The last time we communicated was me telling him via text that I wasn't yet over him, and I would appreciate him leaving me alone so I could finish that process.

He got me with a text that said, "If you tell me you don't have feelings for me, I'll never bother you again. But if you do, give me a chance to plead my case." That's a paraphrase, but that's basically what he said.

Next thing I know, he's picking me up and we're going back to his house to talk. He pleaded a pretty good case, basically letting me know how much he missed me, and trying to explain how things would be different this time. And then it hit me.

I'm not the same person with him that I was back in July. That open-to-whatever, see-where-it-goes person is gone. In her place is Ms. Skeptical. The chick that just ended things with a great guy because she had one of his deal breakers: she refused to open up emotionally. That's who I am now.

I made an effort to open up to Easy and it blew up in my face and I feel a bit like I can't be that person again. I can't just throw caution to the wind. But I do want to be capable of a strong and healthy relationship one of these days. I just don't know that getting involved with Easy again is the way to do it. I'm so confused. But I'm back home and I"m going to sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow.

I just hope I don't have a dream where we're getting married and he leaves me at the altar for that chick he told me he liked more than me. Because that would suck. Did I mention I tend to have very cynical dreams?