I'm An Asshole, So Now What?

I've been called an asshole by almost everyone who matters in my life. Seriously, almost everyone who matters in my life. Seriously, everyone.


My father called me a third generation asshole. That means I get my asshole-ness from both sides, back two generations. I'd say that's pretty accurate. My mother and father have some asshole tendencies. My mother's mother and my father's father are definitely both assholes in their own way. Easy agrees that I'm an asshole.


What sort of asshole am I? Well, I don't go searching the streets looking for puppies to kick and babies who need their candy stolen. I just don't mince words; I'm brutally honest. I don't use small words even though I know my use of big words can sometimes make people feel bad (lack of vocabulary or some sort of insecure emotion or another). When someone seems sad and in need of coddling, I let them know they need to keep on stepping because they won't find coddling anywhere near me.


I don't think I'm mean though. I would never intentionally hurt someone. I just don't bend over backwards not to hurt someone when I feel they are being sensitive or emotional or passive-aggressive or lame or any number of feelings I deem not worth my consideration.


I'm sure right now you're thinking, "well I wasn't sure she was an asshole until I read that last paragraph." But the question is, now that we've established I'm an asshole, what is there to be done about it?


I take care of people, I'm one of the most understanding people I know. So there really isn't a whole lot of room for traditional improvement. I'm not selfish or self-loathing. I like people. But I cannot fathom changing who I am as a person to accommodate who other's are as people.


For instance, if someone offers me help to try and be helpful when I didn't ask for help, the part of the conversation that includes me thanking them for even thinking of helping me (I'm sorry again, Easy) is less than 5%. Mostly, it's me berating them expressing to them and saying that I just don't need help and if I want it I have no problem asking for it.


I asked Easy if he had any stop-CeCe-from-being-an-asshole solutions. He had none. Well, actually the subject of the conversation switched and we didn't get to fully discuss it. But I wonder, if I stop being an asshole, will I stop being me?


I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm just me. If someone asks how their outfit looks, I'm assuming they're asking because they want an honest opinion. If they didn't ask, I wouldn't share that they look horrible. I feel like the people who know me best come to me for my honest opinions. I don't share them without request. But I do share them without consideration that someone may want to be lied to occasionally.


I don't have a solution to the problem. I'm just mulling it over in my head. And the whole blogosphere (or the 3 1/2 people who read my blog) gets to mull with me. Do I become less honest? Do I put more effort into gauging peoples' emotions and then play into them? I do keep my opinions to myself?


The only thing I know for sure is that it's not a bucket of fun to have almost everyone in your life agree that you are an asshole. Not fun.